Crappy Color Awareness

Another Breast Cancer Awareness season is upon us, leading me to reflect on how a once-noble cause has become the bane of my available color spectrum. Pink is no longer the odd color out in the crayon box or an overpriced men's store - it's cheap business code for "we care. seriously, we care."

I get it, it's pink, you'll donate some of your Chex Mix to help those suffering from this shockingly pervasive disease. But come on, corporate America. You came up with the McGriddle and you're telling me you can't do any better than pink?

There's isn't a disease or cause out there today that isn't color-coded: LiveStrong, Orange Revolutions, the altogether bewildering mix of Autism's colorful wrath. It's been this way for a while, too.

the only cancer that kinda makes me feel bad for looking at boobs

One day, when I was in school years ago, people were handing out white ribbons. I had already taken the appropriately blasé stance towards color-coded causes at this point, so I declined their offer. Was everyone wearing one? Yes. Were they intended to protest the KKK rally nearby? Yes, though I was unaware of that at the time. Regardless, I stand by my choice given the information I had at the time.

Point is, you can't just go with the flow, breast cancer. You're the original upbeat color of suffering! If Wal-Mart and Co. really wanna make bank off of this disease like they should, add some spice to your act. It's like exercising - nobody wanted to do it until someone literally jazzed it up.

My suggestion: red camo. First off, red is much closer to the color of blood than pink is (excluding Star Trek: VI) and blood is a sure-fire way to sell stuff. Secondly, nobody wants to be smeared by Glenn Beck for not supporting the troops and camo anything is the only way to show your authentic, unwavering support for our men and women overseas.

Boom. Cancer solved, money made, everyone's happy.

Uncelebrate

For those active job-seekers out there, might I suggest inquiring at Fidelity Investment's Marketing Department.

The job placement ad practically writes itself when I get emails with subjects like this:

"Celebrate September. Save more for retirement."


Am I missing something? Is there an anniversary I've forgotten about?

DOUBLE SPECIAL UPDATE

Best...meme...ever. Here and elsewhere.

God's Gift to the Internet

When I'm 24

I'm not sure when the Alzheimer's is going to set in, but lately I've realized my mental aging process has sped up rapidly.

I used to be able to oversee my capacity for forgetting why I crossed a room. Not anymore. Let me go over the new things that I recently realized bring me happiness:

- Getting excellent creases from dry cleaned pants

- Going to bed at 9:30 on a weeknight

- Sitting

- Eating food that requires little effort to chew (most notably, pudding)

- Walking slowly

- Sitting


I wish I could point to some factor that's increased my senility, but, then again, I don't think I want to. Hell, I love pudding.

Oh My God

Blackout

After Jimmy Carter's hilarious cry of racism on some who oppose Obama's healthcare policies, the head of the GOP has now called out Obama's racist attempt to depose New York's governor.

Move over Anti-Semitism - your days as #1 name-smudger are over! Racism is the new, slanderously potent kid on the block.

After the p.c. years of the Clinton era, regular folks like you and me have their ignorant swagger back. I'm tired of having my feelings oppressed, too! If I wanna underscore my own racism, then I'll be damned if you're gonna stop me from pointing out someone else's.

fig. a - Racism

I doubt there can be any foe powerful enough to stand in my anti-racist way. Did you just cut me off walking through the subway doors? Maybe you shouldn't have that racist attitude. Blaring loud music on your SUV? Turn it down, Bull Connor.

No raise at work? Racist. Gum on my shoe? Racist. Calling me a cracker who should leave your neighborhood? Up for debate on the grounds that I don't want to get beat up.

Especially after another annoying-as-hell round of local Democratic primaries here in NYC, racism could be the key to my happiness. Wanna shake my hand every day in the subway when I go to work? I shoulda stood outside every day next to every candidate and called them out for who they really are - racists.