A Presidential Appeal: Mess With Texas

Mr. President, I have one final request for your first days in office. People are starting to question where we're getting cash to pay for all this stimulus stuff. A couple trillion dollars has to come from somewhere and that somewhere is not Bernard Madoff's bank account.

I have your solution: sell Texas.

Dallas? A city notable for the most abhorrent, gaudy show from the '80s (tv's worst decade) and the only football team presumptuous enough name itself "America's Team". Check out this blurb from Wikipedia: "Famous products of the Dallas culinary scene include the frozen margarita and the chain restaurants Chili's and Romano's Macaroni Grill." Upper/Middle-class sorority girls and soccer moms everywhere are forever indebted, I'm sure. These are, incidentally, my favorite socio-economic groups.

What about the desert wastelands? Can't say I'll miss them very much. Just watch No Country for Old Men again and tell me that's an irreplaceable part of our landscape. We have enough desert out in Arizona, thank you, and they have the Grand Canyon to boot.

a national treasure

Not all of it can go, I guess. Keep Houston and Austin, they seem alright. San Antonio can stick around, too, because chili is a delicious thing and it would be a national disaster if we lost the setting from the best parts of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The border with Mexico is enough of a mess as it is. I'd rather not have to put up with another couple thousand miles of it in a geographical area that's about as easy to patrol as southern Afghanistan. Sell that shit.

It's not all bad - there's oil out there. And rattlesnakes. That's gotta be valuable to somebody, maybe the Russians. They seem just wacky enough to buy Texas. Russia's kinda like the Texas of Europe, anyways: a little off-kilter, rich with oil money, and producer of the continent's biggest douchebag.

I think he'd like Texas just fine

I'm sure we could bag enough money from the sale to support most of the crummy mortgages and loans our country's saddled with. In case you needed some extra incentive, Mr. Obama, let me remind you that Texas did not give you a single electoral vote. You think if President Cheney had been given the chance to sell the disgustingly liberal State of New York there would've been any hesitation?

This is for the good of our country here. Let Texans revel in their new nationhood! Let Americans not worry about another disastrous president from Texas! Obama, the choice is obvious.

A Presidential Appeal: Securing Our Freedoms

Mr. President, your successful campaign was wrought about largely with the power of the internet. I often make the claim that there's little the internet can't do and I'm mistaken - there's nothing the internet can't do.

But if there's one thing that could stop humanity from benefiting the most from this genius invention, it's ourselves.

At my office, there's always been some websites that have been blocked, mostly obvious choices. However, a few months back, some e-idiot decided that we needed a new, "better" site-blocking service. This is probably the same person that opened up an email from a Nigerian prince, infecting a couple dozen computers on our system.

My internet freedom, once akin to life in a Western democracy, has now been reduced to something closer to an Eastern Bloc country circa 1976. gChat? Blocked. Blogs? Blocked. Lolcats? Blocked. The Saudi State Oil Company's Careers Section? Blocked.

you and me both, buddy

Someone asked me what I do all day now. Suffer, mostly. I'd look to move on to a brighter future, but any websites that could help me with that are, shockingly, blocked. It's like I'm stuck in a loop in the time-space continuum, except my loop is somewhere around 1998. The New York Times website and hamsterdance.com (seriously) are okay, but I'm barred from anything actually relevant - offense intended, Maureen Dowd.

If anyone can rectify the situation, it's you, Mr. Obama. Why let Al Gore's magnificent creation go hindered? If you built a giant robot with 10 arms, would you want to block half the arms from doing their intended robot work? Let me state for the record that none of these arms are porn-related.

now wouldn't that just be ironic

Isn't capitalism the basis for our society? Let a free market internet determine how I spend my days! I shouldn't be stuck with a planned-economy version, doomed to a perpetual shortage of necessities like vodka or Comics Curmudgeon.

A Presidential Appeal: American Productivity

Mr. President, it's been recently said that American workers are the most productive in the world. That's great and all, but it's hard to say that that's gotten us very far.

It's high time you rally the American people to a cause that everyone can get behind: office naps.

I'm not asking for the lengthy siesta as it exists in the Spanish-speaking world. Everyone knows the bad rap Mexico's gotten for the simple crime of wanting some shady tree and a wide-brimmed hat with which to catch a few Z's.

poor advice, circa 2009

All I want is for you to officially sanction naptime in the office; if I nap now, I'm guaranteed persecution. I don't want to be judged. Or fired. I just want 20 minutes to lay out under my desk, wrapped in the warmth and glow of my IBM ThinkCentre. That can't be too much to ask.

With your official stamp of approval on this, productivity could rise. Your legacy in history could be better secured, too, and there's nothing more important than an awesome legacy (see: Steve Irwin). Nobody's gonna remember that you're black, but a government-approved nap? That's what I voted for.

A Presidential Appeal: Our Country's Water

In honor of Presidents Day, I'm going to make short appeals to our current leader all this week. I'm sure he'll be reading, so it's important I let him know what's up.

I have more confidence in Hulk Hogan's fencing skills than I do in the current economic stimulus act. Tim Geithner's ability to actually decrease confidence in an already-floundering financial system makes me think that I could probably improve upon the situation.

State governors have gone on about "shovel-ready" projects. Well, I have one for you, Mr. President. In fact, it doesn't even need a shovel, just a tool kit and some common sense.

Barack Obama - fix the hot water in the office bathrooms.

It's been two and a half weeks since we had running hot water in there. Every time I go to wash my hands, I get a subtle reminder that it's both quicker and easier than I thought to lose all feeling in part of your body. Luke's right hand had it easier in The Empire Strikes Back.

my bailout motto: spats and moustache wax before hot water!

How about some of that stimulus for revamping hot water tanks? Let's take some of that fancy banker-money and stick in places where people can really use it. I even just set you up for a sophomoric one-liner that I'm sure the White House staff will simply adore! Maybe a reporter will capture the moment and win you back some apathetic, snarky voters who quit paying attention to your movement because a new season of Gossip Girl just started.

Politics is all about give-and-take. You give me hot water, I take you seriously.

Who is this "Lincoln"?

Great news for the State of New York: as nearly every other state in the Union celebrated some aspect of Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday yesterday, New York could've cared less. I actually think having a glass case in an out-of-the-way nook of the Capitol is worse than doing nothing at all.

Evidently bicentennial celebrations were planned for, starting in 2005, but political bickering and apathy has ruled the day. A leading scholar for the effort puts it best: "It just kind of fizzled out." The State Archives magazine is doing an article on the 16th president, but that's like having the Rockland County Imaginarium do a retrospective of Rembrandt when the Met couldn't get their act together.

In honor of this classic moment in New York State history, and to supplement their impotent efforts, I've assembled important musings on Lincoln and his legacy. Every non-government news outlet had about 87 stories concerning Lincoln yesterday, so I'll brush you up on the critical stuff that they missed:


- Abe, why the stovepipe hat? Probably the first thing any kid learns about you is how freakishly tall you were for the era. Perhaps the solution does not entail extending your height by another comical 18 inches. You're the President of the United States, not Ichabod Crane. You could've at least worn more horizontal patterns to compensate.

just rubbing it in

- Barack Obama is, in fact, not Abraham Lincoln.

- Lincoln made Thanksgiving a national holiday while in the middle of the Civil War, proving that Americans loved over-eating long before World's Biggest Loser.

- He loved to wear black but was not actually black.



- This is his signature?? What, did he get little Tad to practice his cursive by signing Abe's name on all official documents? No wonder the South seceded.

- Lincoln's mother's maiden name was Hanks. The star of Joe vs. the Volcano was, in fact, Abraham Lincoln.

- His VP from 1861-1865 was Hannibal Hamlin, owner of the most awesome name until Wolf Blitzer. The successor was Andrew Johnson, who was, unsurprisingly, impeached.

I'm waiting on Wikipedia to approve my updates for now. I hope they don't block my computer.

Your Vote Counts

Celebrities are so wacky. What I love about them is their ability to get away with anything - like murder, drug use, or being Mel Gibson. Out of all the things they do, though, the one I woulda guessed they couldn't get away with would be running for public office.

Of course, this is the one case where I'm horribly wrong. Reagan, Fred Thompson, Schwarzenegger, Al Franken (is this still funny?), and now Val Kilmer. Give yourself a pat on the back, American voters. Your judgement has, yet again, proved impeccable.

This begs the question - why don't more celebrities run for public office? Any past foibles that could bring down most political campaigns are futile against a celebrity. Tabloids ensure that we're well aware of the nutty/criminal things they've done, so it's a moot point. What elected celebrity hasn't been a substance abuser at some point?

repeat offender? pfft. still worthy of your precious vote.

But I don't think it's necessary for celebs to gun for a high spot in the Senate or the governor's mansion. Why leave it to chance? Someone with name recognition like that can easily snag any other post in the United States government. Val might have trouble becoming governor...but what if he ran for County Comptroller? I'm more sure he could win that post than I am that Bruce Springsteen was drunk at the Super Bowl halftime show. Besides, he'd probably do a better job of auditing than anyone in office right now.

And hey, we could finally give the B-listers the respect they crave. I bet Dom DeLuise could use an ego boost these days. How about the state Supreme Court? Your beguiling charm and hilarious body size is a shoo-in for a win at the polls. No smart-ass "career lawyer" would stand a chance!

odor in the court!

And Jimmy Smits - what the hell happened to him? If he's out there, intently reading this blog like he should, may he leave with this golden nugget: RUN FOR COUNTY SHERIFF. Nothing is a more definite given than him winning that race; who wouldn't vote for him?? Other than Dennis Franz, out of jealousy. Also, this would make a great reality show.

Haute Coulter

Ann Coulter...divider of peoples, stirrer of animosities, conservative lion par excellence.

But there's definitely one thing we can all agree on when it comes to her - lose the haircut, sweetheart! It just ain't getting it done and you know it.

heartlessly ignorant? only to those split ends!

I've never been a big fan of hers but I think she could go a long ways towards repairing my opinion if she took her 'do to the next level. Come on, Ann, I'm not asking for much. This is a new era! Hell, I'll even loan you my slogan for your hypothetical salon - "Change is in the Hair!" (puns are always disarming).

In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say that you should go for a bob. It's sassy, fashionable, and looks great on TV...just like a certain conservative commentator I know! Lightning rod for liberal harpies in the media? Not anymore. Eat your heart out Ariana Huffington, 'cause Coulter is back in the ring.

the bob haircut looks great on this thetan

Ann, you know better than anyone else that image counts for everything in this fast, media-driven world we live in. Grab it by the shears and make the cuts! You can thank and pay me later.