Change for America

I used to carry about a fair amount of change. Not on purpose, really, but I was mostly too lazy to bother taking it out of my pockets after various purchases.

Tired of all the jingling and weight, I started a conscious effort a couple months ago to quit with the change-carrying and stick with bills. After a good start, my new strategy has backfired in a big way.

Specifically, the majority of the purchases I've made in the past few weeks have all been slightly more than a rounded dollar amount. There is no embarrassment quite like a Duane Reade attendant's glare as you hand them two dollar bills for a candy bar that costs $1.13. "You don't have 13 cents?" No. No, I do not and yes, I want to leave.

and you feel shame.

Yesterday I was in a corner store, hoping to grab a soda for the road. I had a one-dollar bill and a 20-dollar bill. I also thought I had 35 cents in change. Bring it.

Instead of the safe, reliably-75-cents can, I noticed that the 20 oz. bottles were on sale - for 94 cents! Even if NYC's ridiculously high taxes blow this baby over a dollar, I have 35 cents to cover me, I thought.

I get to the counter and ready myself. The total is $1.08. I started digging through my bag for the change I thought I had, but it was then I remembered that I had earlier used this 35 cents on a banana. This was, in fact, why I had specifically brought 35 cents.

Had my ill-chosen soda been five cents cheaper, I could've convinced the clerk to let it slide. Three cents? Sure, use the penny tray. But eight cents? Get your dime, son.

Anyways, I was left with the second-worst option I had next to being a man in a suit who can't afford a soda - paying with a 20-dollar bill. The shame was complete, my apologies profuse, and I left a broken man.

Never again.

America's Bestime

Minor league baseball is pretty sweet, mostly for the bootleg concept behind it: they're not quite the pros yet are only somewhat more legit than a YMCA summer sports camp. Thus it breeds the finest example of capitalist creativity that America has to offer, the promotional giveaway night.

Win a Used Car Night was immensely popular, but my favorite promotion as a kid was Elvis Night, where people weighing over 250 lbs. were given a free jelly donut. A scale was provided at the front gate.

In that spirit, I applaud the marketing whiz that came up with another classic in Van Down by the River Night. Somehow, you get to win money.

if you hand out donuts for free, they will come

I've always wanted to know someone who had some wild, random success happen upon them. Like if I knew the winner of a lottery or the guy who was saved on the subway tracks a couple years ago. Imagine if you knew someone who was made rich from a creepy van promotion. A boy can dream.

That was going to be it, but here's a list of the best promotions from 2008, alone. Using a tent spike to find the keys to some old guy's car in the warning track?? Just...just genius. I have hope.

The Nose Knows

I've always somewhat ignored the special-services dogs, the ones that lead the blind or sniff for drugs. Kinda cool, yeah, but so what?

Well what if a dog could perform a much more obscure task with 100% precision? Maybe a task like...smelling for peanuts?

Ignoring this child's genetic predisposition for an early death, a peanut-sniffing dog sounds effin' sweet. Not so much that it can detect peanuts, per se, but that a dog can be trained to catch the faintest trace of any scent - even comical ones.

Immediately a fart dog comes to mind. Odd smell always hit the elevator on the way to the 25th floor? Your nose may be in disgust but your sensibilities will surely be at ease when your pooch discovers and summarily embarrasses the culprit. Ron in I.T. - you have been called out!

Devout Dog can smell a non-believer right away

This begs the question of what kind of reaction you'd want from the dog; would fart dog bark at the offender or assume a "pointer" position? Part of this is what the proper warning effect should be (to alert? to annoy?) though it also depends on what the dog's purpose is. To get a sense of things, let's examine


OLFACTORY-TRAINED DOG CATEGORIZATION

Dog: Boston Terrier
Scent Detection: Fancy pants
Warning: Immediate urination on perpetrator

Dog: Beagle
Scent Detection: Vegan Human
Warning: Vigorous humping of leg (undefined)

Dog: Pitbull
Scent Detection: Cheetos dust
Warning: Vicious mauling

Dog: Coon Hound
Scent Detection: The Blues
Warning: Soulful howl


More importantly, I can't believe that Disney hasn't made a live-action movie out of these animals - SNIFF TO THE RESCUE practically writes itself. Want a hint? Potsy (the opportunistic pug with a nose for robots and trouble!) will be voiced by Jason Alexander. You're welcome, Hollywood.

Ja Ja Ja

Hopefully you heard last week about some Burger King ads in Spain for the new Texican Burger. The commotion was over the characters in this campaign: a strong, hearty cowboy and a midget Mexican wearing a luchador mask and a poncho designed like the Mexican flag.

Evidently most of this wasn't offensive but the flag part was, so the Mexican embassy requested BK to stop the ads. A pity, because this is a hilarious trope that should be more greatly exploited.

united by fate and cultural hegemony

Anyways, I thought I had gathered enough on the story from the initial blurb until I read this today:

"A TV version of the ad shows the strapping cowboy and the
pint-sized Mexican wrestler -- nicknamed 'Just a Little Bit' -- living together as roommates. At one point, the American lifts up the Mexican to help him put a trophy on a high shelf."

Paternalistic, yet topical, with a dash of heartfelt camaraderie. Also, that guy's name is Just a Little Bit. Classic. I have grossly underestimated the Spanish advertising market. Europe may be shockingly xenophobic but it's worked out for the common good this time.

It does make me wonder - how many multinational companies are getting away with comically racist ad campaigns away from their home country? And how can I see these ads?

Simple Pleasures

So I joke around in the office with this one guy. Sometimes it's about the foam peanut on my desk that was spitefully torn in two by a co-worker. Other times, suicide. Ours is a true workplace bond.

I'm filling up my desk mug with water from the kitchen today around lunchtime. Many people are eating in the kitchen. My friend is there, sitting at a table with a couple people.

Me: "What's up, champ."
Friend: "I got the bullet right here, man. Lemme know when you wanna do this thing."
Me: "Word."
Friend: *goes back to leafing through lingerie catalog


He knows what time it is.

Tea Party Pooper

In case you're wondering what conservatives have been up to these days, take an e-stroll to the land of fair and balanced news to find out: historical re-enactments!

Surprisingly, Fox is the only news source that's treating these Tea-Tax events seriously enough - Glenn Beck is reporting from the Alamo today, BTW - to warrant much coverage. As my legitimacy as a news source is more credible, I have chosen otherwise.

For starters, their HQ website is a little plain for such an exciting event. I feel led to point out, however, that your movement may be in trouble when your top-listed PR weapon is Pajamas TV.

They do give some good tips, like avoiding or uncovering those left-wing nutjobs masquerading as "newsie posers" who want to scuttle your tea party. As they wisely advise, "Beware such chicanery today."

Glenn Beck (2nd from left) prefers one lump, not two

Their homemade protest signs are pretty lackluster, too. Some half-hearted gems: "OUR GOVT OAFS FORGOT THEIR OATHS" and "PARTY LIKE IT'S 1773". If you really want to party like it's 1773, you should ask Bob Dole who, coincidentally, was a government oaf. Checkmate.

Mostly, though, it's perplexing why they would choose now to so vociferously protest taxes. Maybe they're unaware that Americans currently have more positive views about their federal taxes than at almost any time since 1956. Most likely, however, they're probably looking to legitimize teabagging as a social phenomenon. This I do support.

E-Gorging

Whether by mistake or on purpose, when lunchtime rolls around at work I'm usually reading about food on the internet.

My recent obsession has pushed this to new heights, however - I can't stop reading the user-submitted recipe corner. Especially the ones where someone asks about a long-forgotten recipe. It's like a mystery, but delicious!!!

To wit: my past 20 minutes.

Jessica Fletcher...always on the snoop for a great family meal!

Maybe I'm going overboard. The company can't be thrilled that I'm poking around on Food Goddess or any other polytheistic meal site. Yet...I can't stop... Opulent Chicken???? I HAVE TO FIND OPULENT CHICKEN.