Octo-Awesome

The story about the mom with the 8 kids is pretty crazy, even if it's getting heavy media saturation at this point. My favorite part about it all is how the lady's has been tabbed Octo-Mom, which sounds hilariously insulting. I wouldn't wanna be an Octo-Mom; mother of 8 children, maybe.

Now Octo-Mom is everywhere in the news, revealing the media's true motivation: labeling an event or thing as octo-something is guaranteed to make it awesome. Google News is proof:

Octo-Mess
Octo-Porn (no link - don't want to get fired)
Octo-Awards
Octo-Doc

Even the celeb mags have confirmed my suspicion, misidentifying squid in their gruesome, unquenchable thirst for octo-stories.

They have a point, though - just about anything is cooler when you octo-it. Don't want spinach for dinner? Try OCTO-SPINACH. I may be sick of taking the subway to work, but my annoyance could be assuaged by knowing I'm on the OCTO-TUBE.

back when octo meant something

The clincher for all of this is, not surprisingly, the New York Post: Octo-Puss.

To be fair, I actually laughed out loud at the first two paragraphs. I cannot say enough about this woman and the words that are written in this article - in fact, I'm starting a new blog whose sole reason for being is the New York Post: BELIEVE.

It always makes me laugh that my friends who work for the City can only peruse a handful of websites at their office: WebMD, City intranet, and the Post. Tax dollars at work.

E-Mania

I know I keep bringing up the mid-90's-era Internet, but a brief search for Wilford Brimley on Google gave me this gem:

Wilford Brimley World

This is exactly what every person from 14 to 25 was doing with their time back then. Making websites showcasing our deepest interests that nobody else on earth could possibly share.

The design is probably inspired by the same guy who invented the Starter jacket: background color with mismatching text hues, the animated .gif, even low-resolution vidcaps - connected with links! Great use of Hulk Hogan - DO YOU REMEMBER HIM?? INTERNET!!!!! Angelfire is a classy hosting touch, too.

Wilford...I am so, so sorry

The best part is the link section. How can I not click on such witty hypertext? Links were the best way to make a web page look pro back then. This guy must've creamed his pants thinking of all the cool things he could show people online that not only reflected his varied tastes, but also his supreme knowledge of the internet. Also, just a reminder that obnoxious Facebook profiles actually predate Facebook.

I really want to find this guy. Part of me wants to think that he hasn't left his parents' basement since 1998 and his internet connection is frozen in time to only those websites that existed at that point. What a rock star.

Psst - the Umpire? Clever...

I had a dream last night that I was a reporter for some large newspaper. There was a big hubbub because Joe Biden was giving a speech and I was there.

There wasn't much to see because the place was packed with journalists and gawkers, so my spirit was dwindling. I saw Biden waltz off-stage at the end of his bit, though, and thought that this was my moment to strike.

not a dreamboat

I jogged up to him and didn't see any Secret Service guys coming to pounce on me - my luck! Even at the time, I understood that the dream world had given me a gift and something zany was bound to happen.

So I asked him, "What about Russia?"

He said, "I dunno, they're kinda crazy."


I think I woke up out of anti-climactic disappointment.

Damn Hollywood Fatcats

Another perusal of Wikipedia today left me with this stunning fact: the 1987 summer hit Ernest Goes to Camp generated over $23 million in box office receipts.

And it only cost $3 million to make!

Granted, the Ernest series was a cultural Rolls-Royce, out-classing everything in its path. But Hollywood's always bitching about not making enough profits, so why don't they get their thinking caps on and start making quality pulp for our screens at the appropriate price?

a golden goose cut short in his prime

To wit: The Country Bears (2002) cost over $30 million to make but only generated $16 million at the box office. This begs the obvious question: how did enough people see this movie to generate $16 million in box office receipts?? Putting this flight of fancy aside, though, why did Hollywood OK this for production? And $30 million worth of production, at that.

Ernest - he's a simple man with simple dreams who is simply hilarious. Everyone can get behind that. The Country Bears? The shittiest waste of time at Disney World. I'd rather chug a bottle of ipecac and catch a seat on the Mad Hatter's Teacup Twirl.

Warner Bros. fiscal outlook for 2009

Obviously, throwing a few million bucks at a project is no big deal for Hollywood. Why not make six $5-million movies instead of one for $30 million? I bet at least a couple out of those are gonna be decent, or at least better than a bad theme park ride.

Don't wanna release one of 'em? Make it a Hollywood-only release party and laugh at your ridiculous excess! There is seriously no way this method will lose more money than the current format.

Non-Workers of the World, Unite!

It's only makes sense that if a group of people is disadvantaged, they should unite. Workers' unions are the classic example - if they want higher wages, they get to bitch collectively instead of standing alone outside the factory, getting the-one-weird-guy-in-the-company label and an interview with Michael Moore.

This got me thinking in regards to a systemic issue in all societies. Homelessness seems like the ultimate loner job for unemployed/crazy people, but it doesn't have to be that way. If only they worked together...think of the things they could accomplish!

They could seriously up their financial intake with a little organization. On the days when Hasidic kids are out in droves, pestering non-believers, they put homeless folks to shame. How can a bunch of young proselytizers out-harass the original street harassers?? I can brush off a guy in the subway and all I lose is a modest amount of faith in humanity. Those Hasidic kids? I care even less about them, yet they consistently get my attention due to pure perserverence. They might've pressured me into a Purim or two before.

why settle for a beer - demand two!

If homeless folks organized, walking around city streets could essentially require a tax. My black heart paying off street folk has nothing to do with kindness - it's mostly a matter of annoyance. I can ignore one beggar, but what if he sent two, maybe three more waves of hustlers? Checkmate.

More importantly, they could share information so as to corner the most fabulously wealthy. If they pooled resources, I bet they could convince a Chinatown bus driver to take them to the Hamptons some Summer day. By simply setting foot on Long Island soil, they could take the town hostage. Rich people have no concept of actual money - they'd probably be happy to buy the homeless marauders a mansion, just as long as it's in White Plains or something.

Before you know it, they'd have entire cities in their persistent grip. Bloomberg would be overjoyed to dole out decent housing and stable jobs to homeless brigades, just as long as they halted their campaigns.

future estate of Homeless D. Jenkins

Come on, homeless. You're our country's most under-utilized resource - use your powers for self-benefit, as every other American does.

A Presidential Appeal: Mess With Texas

Mr. President, I have one final request for your first days in office. People are starting to question where we're getting cash to pay for all this stimulus stuff. A couple trillion dollars has to come from somewhere and that somewhere is not Bernard Madoff's bank account.

I have your solution: sell Texas.

Dallas? A city notable for the most abhorrent, gaudy show from the '80s (tv's worst decade) and the only football team presumptuous enough name itself "America's Team". Check out this blurb from Wikipedia: "Famous products of the Dallas culinary scene include the frozen margarita and the chain restaurants Chili's and Romano's Macaroni Grill." Upper/Middle-class sorority girls and soccer moms everywhere are forever indebted, I'm sure. These are, incidentally, my favorite socio-economic groups.

What about the desert wastelands? Can't say I'll miss them very much. Just watch No Country for Old Men again and tell me that's an irreplaceable part of our landscape. We have enough desert out in Arizona, thank you, and they have the Grand Canyon to boot.

a national treasure

Not all of it can go, I guess. Keep Houston and Austin, they seem alright. San Antonio can stick around, too, because chili is a delicious thing and it would be a national disaster if we lost the setting from the best parts of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The border with Mexico is enough of a mess as it is. I'd rather not have to put up with another couple thousand miles of it in a geographical area that's about as easy to patrol as southern Afghanistan. Sell that shit.

It's not all bad - there's oil out there. And rattlesnakes. That's gotta be valuable to somebody, maybe the Russians. They seem just wacky enough to buy Texas. Russia's kinda like the Texas of Europe, anyways: a little off-kilter, rich with oil money, and producer of the continent's biggest douchebag.

I think he'd like Texas just fine

I'm sure we could bag enough money from the sale to support most of the crummy mortgages and loans our country's saddled with. In case you needed some extra incentive, Mr. Obama, let me remind you that Texas did not give you a single electoral vote. You think if President Cheney had been given the chance to sell the disgustingly liberal State of New York there would've been any hesitation?

This is for the good of our country here. Let Texans revel in their new nationhood! Let Americans not worry about another disastrous president from Texas! Obama, the choice is obvious.

A Presidential Appeal: Securing Our Freedoms

Mr. President, your successful campaign was wrought about largely with the power of the internet. I often make the claim that there's little the internet can't do and I'm mistaken - there's nothing the internet can't do.

But if there's one thing that could stop humanity from benefiting the most from this genius invention, it's ourselves.

At my office, there's always been some websites that have been blocked, mostly obvious choices. However, a few months back, some e-idiot decided that we needed a new, "better" site-blocking service. This is probably the same person that opened up an email from a Nigerian prince, infecting a couple dozen computers on our system.

My internet freedom, once akin to life in a Western democracy, has now been reduced to something closer to an Eastern Bloc country circa 1976. gChat? Blocked. Blogs? Blocked. Lolcats? Blocked. The Saudi State Oil Company's Careers Section? Blocked.

you and me both, buddy

Someone asked me what I do all day now. Suffer, mostly. I'd look to move on to a brighter future, but any websites that could help me with that are, shockingly, blocked. It's like I'm stuck in a loop in the time-space continuum, except my loop is somewhere around 1998. The New York Times website and hamsterdance.com (seriously) are okay, but I'm barred from anything actually relevant - offense intended, Maureen Dowd.

If anyone can rectify the situation, it's you, Mr. Obama. Why let Al Gore's magnificent creation go hindered? If you built a giant robot with 10 arms, would you want to block half the arms from doing their intended robot work? Let me state for the record that none of these arms are porn-related.

now wouldn't that just be ironic

Isn't capitalism the basis for our society? Let a free market internet determine how I spend my days! I shouldn't be stuck with a planned-economy version, doomed to a perpetual shortage of necessities like vodka or Comics Curmudgeon.