Sphlinkter

useless news you can use!


Security warning over pease pudding - Press Association

Pushaw! Everyone knows you should pack pease pudding in your luggage!


HOW CAN A GAL FALL FOR THIS ALI-ASS? - NY Post

On point yet again, Post!


Shea Butter Blog

Finally, a website where I can get all my shea butter info in one place.

Ol' Nicky the Name

There's always a flock of evidence that journalists have too much time on their hands like redundant articles, idiotic cliches, blah blah. With the ascendancy of Barack Obama, however, the media's devised a new way of wasting our time: creating nicknames for him.

Obama. This is a relatively short and unique name that nobody can possibly misunderstand. Yet journalists insist on calling him anything except his God-given name, muddying an issue that should be crystal clear.

"Bam"? Do you pronounce this as "bahm" or "bam", like Emeril? To make matters worse, this shortened version of an already short name is favored by the NY Post. This doesn't bother me in and of itself but as they only write headlines in all caps, it makes me think they're using the acronym for the Brooklyn Academy of Music. The day the Post writes about the actual BAM means that a movie about steroids, brave cops, and Howard Stern must be playing there.

also goes by "Barack" or "Obama"

"O"? Gee, that's specific. What's especially confusing is that the Baltimore Orioles are nicknamed "The O's" (fair enough - oriole is a clumsy word). When your headline is "North Korean Nukes: O's Kick in the Teeth", I'm going to think that there's an unexplained connection between a Stalinist regime and the underperforming AL East.

It takes a truly bitter journalist, however, to come up with the best ones, so I'll let you discover those for yourself over on Sean Hannity's website. I can't help but point out that there are a total of 4 votes cast, one of them being for "Quark". Who knew?

our 44th president, to one person

Doesn't the media have anything better to do? I mean, aside from Sean Hannity, who'd be better served licking toilet bowls. I'd rather have 20 stories about the new baby seal at the zoo over presumptuous journalists hoping to spark the next cultural name-wave. Woof.

Apology Accepted!

In case you weren't aware of it, today is National Sorry Day in Australia, created as an annual apology to the Aborigines for royally screwing them over.

This would be a decent sentiment were it not for a half-ass name; it doesn't scream "reconciliation" so much as "whoops". If there's one thing politics have taught us, it's that a good name can make all the difference. Take a cue from America: it's called Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, not The Majority Saw Fit to Dehumanize and Enslave You for Profit for Over 300 Years But Now, Thankfully, Things Are Kinda Different Day.

Sorry? There's not a country in the world that couldn't have a National Sorry Day. You know, for things that I guess we're sorry for, but...I mean...I dunno, whatever. If it makes you happy, then yeah, we're sorry, but I'm playing Halo right now so we can talk later or something. To wit:


United States: National Sorry Day (for American Indians)
You get Sorry Day, we get to keep this:


France: National Sorry Day (for tourists)
Their plain disregard for tourism is evidently good for tourism. Sorry Day might calm my disbelief but I'll still never want go back.


Israel: National Sorry Day (for themselves)


Palestine: National Sorry Day (for themselves)


Japan: National Sorry Day (for forced prostitution)
Boy, could they care less.



Let's all get in on the fun - get Sorry!

Flushink

More links for all of us to feast upon.



Sec. Gates Says Guantanamo a "Taint" On U.S. Reputation - RTT News

You have opened a Pandora's box of sophomoric political references, my friend.


COP NAILS 'RAPIST' - NY Post

Now that's fitting justice! Also, since when does the word rapist warrant quotemarks? Thanks, Post.


Google news search for "butts"

I don't know why I bothered searching under this term, but I was shocked by the number of dreadful puns in these headlines, incorporating the term for a used cigarette.

Puns in news headlines, unless it's the Post, always make me cringe. A few years back, the Pittsburgh Penguins had a bunch of players from the Czech Republic, spawning numerous headlines to the tune of "Czechmate" or "Czechs and Balances". It made me sad.

Save Money - Ditch Science

One thing that's bugged me for a while is that there's a name for toasting stuff - the Maillard reaction. Let me point out that someone "discovered" this. It may be no surprise that this was "discovered" by a Frenchman.

This term is useful to two people:
a) Toast Scientists.
b) Assholes who get to tell you that the scientific name for toasting is the Maillard reaction.

Ok, Science. You've done some great things for us over the course of history (penicillin, energy drinks), but it's about time you cool your heels. Think about your most recent accomplishments: computers are a great segue to the intermission of your history. Segways, however, are not. Stop while you're ahead.

if only he'd stuck to mustache innovation

Useless terms for words we already have, pharmaceuticals that kill you, leaden toys...a vacation is overdue. You've done some good stuff but everyone needs a breather now and then - you haven't taken a break since the Renaissance. You wouldn't want Scottie Pippen on the court after he's completed a triathlon, would you? Did you know that Scottie Pippen can't run?

Get back to me when you start doing cool stuff again, like baking soda volcanoes or light sabers.

Nerds Come Home to Roost

Every time that someone mentions Hulu, I always think they meant to say Sulu.

But they didn't. They're saying Hulu.


:-(

Hobo Power

In all of the ruckus to find the greatest renewable energy, I think we're passing up on the most obvious solution: the homeless.

Really, I can't imagine how this is more expensive than developing better wind turbines or something. Instead of throwing billions at inefficient ethanol technology, why not have a bunch of homeless guys man a human-powered energy plant?

Crushing poverty and mental instability have coexisted since the beginning of time so we don't have to worry about running out of it. Best of all, we have homeless citizens in all our cities; no more terrorist-friendly oil, 'cause this natural resource is made right here in good old U.S. of A.

BOR-ING.

The real question is: what can the homeless do to generate power? Ride stationary bikes? No. That's for the bourgeois and those without drug-induced heart murmurs. If we can capture energy from walking around I think we can take it one step further and get energy from just sitting around. I point to the Pet Rock as proof that, as Americans, we can invent anything as long as we put our minds to it.

Why would the homeless be willing partners in this? Just give them ample motivation - a night's cot for a day's work, or access to busier, more prominent change-cup-rattling spots during their off-hours. I realize such benefits may empower some to rectify their situation and leave the program, but these same benefits may, in turn, entice new homeless recruits (English majors).

It's about time we embrace the energy that the good Lord has given us all.

Kissin' Cousins

While walking around today, I saw some women depart after a conversation, wherein they did the three-kisses-on-the-cheeks routine. Other than their Skeletor physiques and closely cropped, blonde hair, this was a dead giveaway to their ridiculous Europeanness.

There's plenty about Europeans that I feel comfortable mocking, but the kiss-on-the-cheek routine I find threatening. I would normally limit this kind of greeting to female family members, but European codes of conduct live to confuse me. I blame Asterix.

There have been a few times in my life when I've had to give hellos/goodbyes to continental Europeans and they have been rife with awkwardness. I either draw back my face in repulsive shock or lunge towards what's evidently the wrong cheek. Shame ensues.

hou hou, indeed

Starting with the right cheek right is only one of innumerable ways of effing this up. Do all European countries follow the same kissy-greet rules? Is this a female-only thing? A stranger-only thing? A friend-only thing? How many kisses are required? Do you actually kiss the cheek or make a retarded smooch sound instead? And what if I had a beard?

We should've made this a requirement with the Marshall Program - in exchange for the supplies necessary to sustain life and develop your nation, you have to start using the handshake as your basic greeting. Keep your wacky day/month/year format and the insistence on forgoing physical hygeine, but please, stick with the handshake. Obama, back me up on this.