Uncelebrate

For those active job-seekers out there, might I suggest inquiring at Fidelity Investment's Marketing Department.

The job placement ad practically writes itself when I get emails with subjects like this:

"Celebrate September. Save more for retirement."


Am I missing something? Is there an anniversary I've forgotten about?

DOUBLE SPECIAL UPDATE

Best...meme...ever. Here and elsewhere.

God's Gift to the Internet

When I'm 24

I'm not sure when the Alzheimer's is going to set in, but lately I've realized my mental aging process has sped up rapidly.

I used to be able to oversee my capacity for forgetting why I crossed a room. Not anymore. Let me go over the new things that I recently realized bring me happiness:

- Getting excellent creases from dry cleaned pants

- Going to bed at 9:30 on a weeknight

- Sitting

- Eating food that requires little effort to chew (most notably, pudding)

- Walking slowly

- Sitting


I wish I could point to some factor that's increased my senility, but, then again, I don't think I want to. Hell, I love pudding.

Oh My God

Blackout

After Jimmy Carter's hilarious cry of racism on some who oppose Obama's healthcare policies, the head of the GOP has now called out Obama's racist attempt to depose New York's governor.

Move over Anti-Semitism - your days as #1 name-smudger are over! Racism is the new, slanderously potent kid on the block.

After the p.c. years of the Clinton era, regular folks like you and me have their ignorant swagger back. I'm tired of having my feelings oppressed, too! If I wanna underscore my own racism, then I'll be damned if you're gonna stop me from pointing out someone else's.

fig. a - Racism

I doubt there can be any foe powerful enough to stand in my anti-racist way. Did you just cut me off walking through the subway doors? Maybe you shouldn't have that racist attitude. Blaring loud music on your SUV? Turn it down, Bull Connor.

No raise at work? Racist. Gum on my shoe? Racist. Calling me a cracker who should leave your neighborhood? Up for debate on the grounds that I don't want to get beat up.

Especially after another annoying-as-hell round of local Democratic primaries here in NYC, racism could be the key to my happiness. Wanna shake my hand every day in the subway when I go to work? I shoulda stood outside every day next to every candidate and called them out for who they really are - racists.

Eureka

So I've been following my dreams for a few weeks now, trying to write down what I remember and trying to remember what the hell happened in the first place.

Aside from the obvious bizarro things that everyone gets (rectangular rashes, lost teeth, having a friend's parents party too hard and prevent me from getting to work on time, etc.), I've been shocked by the number of "no shit" and "this is utterly meaningless" visions.

"Mr. Hooper?!"

Yeah, I get it dreambrain - I'm worried about paying those bills on time. And yes, I know, it was sweet to ride go karts. Having an unconscious image of unpaid bills flying around me while I drive a go kart does nothing to change the matter.

The real shocker was a couple weeks ago when I woke myself up with laughter from a joke in a dream.

What was the joke? I have no idea. But I do know the punchline: a thunderously delivered "JULIA CHILDS!!"

I've long considered sleep to be something enjoyed whilst doing it but, for the most part, an extreme annoyance that gets in the way of doing real things like watching TV. With the arrival of this culinary master into my deep subconscious through a farcical form, I can say for sure that my brain is in on the rouse. If only it knew better.