Kissin' Cousins

While walking around today, I saw some women depart after a conversation, wherein they did the three-kisses-on-the-cheeks routine. Other than their Skeletor physiques and closely cropped, blonde hair, this was a dead giveaway to their ridiculous Europeanness.

There's plenty about Europeans that I feel comfortable mocking, but the kiss-on-the-cheek routine I find threatening. I would normally limit this kind of greeting to female family members, but European codes of conduct live to confuse me. I blame Asterix.

There have been a few times in my life when I've had to give hellos/goodbyes to continental Europeans and they have been rife with awkwardness. I either draw back my face in repulsive shock or lunge towards what's evidently the wrong cheek. Shame ensues.

hou hou, indeed

Starting with the right cheek right is only one of innumerable ways of effing this up. Do all European countries follow the same kissy-greet rules? Is this a female-only thing? A stranger-only thing? A friend-only thing? How many kisses are required? Do you actually kiss the cheek or make a retarded smooch sound instead? And what if I had a beard?

We should've made this a requirement with the Marshall Program - in exchange for the supplies necessary to sustain life and develop your nation, you have to start using the handshake as your basic greeting. Keep your wacky day/month/year format and the insistence on forgoing physical hygeine, but please, stick with the handshake. Obama, back me up on this.