Ring-a-Ding

I am in loathing of the fact that there a bajillion different ring tones out there.

1% may be ironic (see: Rapper's Delight, ala MIDI mode), but 99% are digitally screeching covers of songs I never wanted to hear.

To make matters worse, the walls of my workplace are hard and painted white, putting even small noises within earshot of half the office. This is great for shoe-squeaks that sound like farts, but not so much for cell phones.

fig. a: office decibel level (blue)/homicide incidents (red dots)

If you're not at your cubicle when your detestable ring goes off, it'll be loud and clear for a good minute. Luckily, the caller will keep trying to get in touch with you while you're away.

I bet you've become paranoid after that missed call you once had while standing next to a jackhammer, but now you've wised up! Your ring has been set at a level loud enough to overcome any noise that's capable of deafening a young child. Good thing you'll be around for it.

Forget-Me-Do

My office has a dodgeball team this spring, which is a good thing, but I needed to sign a waiver on some website to clear me of legal crap.

I go to the website of the organizer, ZogSports, to e-sign said waiver, but I need a password to access my account. I obviously don't know what mine is and I end up wasting 20 minutes of my life trying to erase, create and verify a new password to check off on this waiver.

The only saving grace of this affair is discovering what Zog really means. Other than that, why in God's name am I wasting my time with this password?

Internet passwords are the top evil to have arisen in the computer age. I may have spent more time trying to get the right password to my online bank account than actually using my online bank account.

secret codes: a timeless thorn in the side of mankind

It's all a ruse, anyways. The only thing that dinky passwords protect you from are drunk roommates who hijack your Facebook profile, updating all your interests with a cavalcade of fart-related menagerie. If an actual hacker wants your info, no password's gonna stop them.

It appears that I foolishly forgot the unspoken maxim we all follow to evade this modern-day menace: use the same one/two passwords for all of your online accounts! "Chicken" may not be hack-proof, but it is Alzheimer's-proof, and that's all I ask in accessing my email/brokerage account/subscription to Bang Bus.

An online program I use at work requires me to update my password every 45 days. Here are the cryptic codes I've used, in this order:
- password
- gassword
- assword
- ssword
- sword
- word
- entryword
- enterword
- gettinginword

Wasn't the future supposed to be about retinal scanners and voice recognition software? Nowhere in Blade Runner did Harrison Ford lament his inability to update a Twitter feed because he mistook the correct password for the one on his ancient Geocities account. Obama needs to get on this.

Wise Words

Wanting to give the impression of being a young up-and-comer, I went to panel meeting on careers last night.

Having gone to these chats before and spoken with plenty of real, live, grown-up adults on this issue, I can firmly say that they all have at least one piece of advice for you: Just put yourself out there.

Thankfully, almost nobody ever gives any explanation behind this phrase. You know - put yourself out there! Surely you can grasp all kinds of specifics from this detailed, nuanced gem of advice.

As a young person clamoring for a decent job, I can attest that the patronizing tone dripping from these sage words has been a massive help. You're right - I've been doing all the wrong things to advance my career up to this point but thank God you gave me this handy phrase to correct my path. Why didn't I think of this before??

putting yourself out there

More than once I've heard people use "put yourself out there" before explaining that they got their first job(s) after accidentally bumping into a family friend who knew of a job opening somewhere. I should try randomly bumping into people I know - then I'd be putting myself out there.

Every now and then they'll back up this advice by giving the story of young Mary Nolife, who spent her time calling up/personally visiting/writing letters to/having sex with every living being she could contact to ask about jobs. Forsaking everything but the most basic sustenance required, she slaved day and night until everyone was convinced of her humility, thus rewarding her with an unpaid internship in the mailroom. You kids these days just wouldn't understand.

putting yourself out there

I've decided to start labeling everything I do as putting myself out there - at least then I'd know what it meant. Doing the dishes? Putting myself out there. Taking the train to work? Putting myself out there. Disemboweling those with vague, trite career advice? Putting myself out there.

I can practically feel it working already.

No, I'm Not Happy to See You

I accidentally crossed into the gray area of office morality the other day.

I usually leave around mid-day to pick up some fruit to accompany my lunch. On this day, I bought a banana and kept it in my pocket on the way back. Har har har, a timeless, tacky joke wrought true, I thought.

When I returned to the office I dropped by the bathroom. Let me just say that, regardless, public bathrooms are wormholes to social purgatory. Anything that happens in the real world becomes acutely awkward when you enter a multi-user restroom - like talking. Is talking to someone okay in there? Maybe? BUT IT'S SO AWKWARD. I've used a cell phone in a bathroom before. They are not good places for phone use.

Anyways, though this time of day is usually slow in the bathroom, a couple guys came in right after me.

Without even thinking, I panicked, trying to cover up the banana hanging out of my pocket in the men's bathroom. I felt as if I'd crossed some line of manly trust.

fig. a: the volatile social dynamics of public restrooms

I can't really think of a specific taboo that I've broken, yet I still feel like I've sunk into murky Larry Craig territory. Are bathrooms off-limits for bananas? I'd have felt worse if there were a cucumber in my pocket, I guess, but that's not much consolation.

Why are bathrooms SO AWKWARD??? Blurg.

Fair and Balanced

THIS JUST IN: OBAMA HAS SENSE OF HUMOR... JOE BIDEN MAKES BLAND AND NONCONTROVERSIAL REMARKS...BLACK PEOPLE LIKE THE PRESIDENT...OBAMA: FAN OF P.T. ANDERSON?? - YOU DECIDE!...

BE WARNED, AMERICA.

It may be Sean Hannity and I know he's insane, but I am delighted by this, his most recent piece.

Pity for those plucky conservatives, still incapacitated after the TKO they took in last year's election. When you start using your failed candidate's NCAA pool as proof of success, times are rough.

a classic of the right-wing canon

They should get a new cause. Well, not a cause because they're not good at those, but a hobby. Something they can use to take out their anger, like whack-a-mole, but with the appearance of sophistication, like telenovelas.

Maybe some mutation of wrestling and fox hunting...that could fit the bill. They'd probably settle for pogs, though. Rush Limbaugh would be beside himself if could thump small pictures of Howard Dean and James Carville every day. He might be doing this already.

Buck up, conservatives. Your time in power may be over, but at least you have your deep, uncontrollable bitterness to hold onto. No matter what those heartless liberals tell you, don't you ever let go.

An Inconvenient Food

Due to a hilarious yogurt mix-up, I did not have the lunch I thought I brought from home today.

No problem, said my brain. Let's get Chinese. It's really the best choice considering it was 2:15 by the time I realized my earlier error. Take-out at 2:15 is a given.

I call them up - nobody there. I hang up and wait a couple minutes, thinking they might be busy. Nope. Called again - nothing.

Of all the places to eschew the late-lunch crowd, how could it be New China #1? Aren't these places the embodiment of 24-hour availability???

I've lost my faith in what I took to be capitalism. This recession is now officially retarded for robbing me of my choice to eat cheap food when I want. Eat a dick, Geithner. It's more lunch than I'll be getting today.

2:17 pm, somewhere near you

I'm reminded of perhaps the most crushing moment of my life: leaving a party at 3 a.m. to go to the all-night Dunkin' Donuts and fill my cravings, only to be rebuffed by the scrawled sign on the door that said "TEMPORARILY CLOSED DUE TO A WEDDING AND A GRADUATION". Boom.

What is this, the French version of 24-hour convenience? Ugh.

Evolutionary Link

More links, befitting my lazy Friday attitude.

I just thought you should know that I tried finding something in Google News about Charlie Brown. Nothing of note came up, but I was taken aback at how many community/high school productions of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown are going on right now around the country.

Anyways.


Wrestlers for Attention With March Madness - USA Today

What is a poor, homoerotic sportsman to do these days? But really, you can't expect attention when you use poor syntax in the title.


Mexico Tariffs Spare Ford, Tyson, Rile Potato Growers - Bloomberg

As soon as I read the headline, I had this image of a classroom: after a loud argument, Ford and Tyson are excused, but ol' Potato Grower has to stay. It sure seems like he always has to stay after class! His weight problem doesn't help things, either.


NO JOKE! O DISSES SPECIAL OLYMPICS ON LENO AS ECONOMY BURNS - NY Post

As always, quality work from the Post. I can't imagine a more accurate headline.

.

You Got Wink'd

I can't remember why, but a couple months ago I was talking with someone and in the midst of making a joke, I winked at them. I'd brushed the incident under my emotional rug but it came back to me yesterday.

What a creepy thing to do. I wasn't thinking about winking - it just...happened. Eeegh.

no, I cannot support your services

When is a wink OK? When a friendly, old ice cream man gives a kid an extra scoop of vanilla? When you're the star of the football team and you've obviously impressed the top cheerleader?

To be honest, the only person I can think of who could wink in a good way would be Indiana Jones. Like I'm Short Round and I've just asked him if we'll ever get to throw a baseball around together - "You bet, kid -" *wink.

Scuttling my theory is the fact that Indy is not a real person. Receiving a wink from Harrison Ford would just be odd, though I guess more welcome than getting one from Larry Flynt.

It's clear - the time of the wink has passed. Only pervs and Sarah Palin wink now and they need to find a new gesture to display their overt inhumanity.

.

You Gotta Be Kidding Me: 1, Common Sense: 0

Yet another person has been saved from the subway tracks. It does make for a good story, I suppose, and I'm glad people aren't yet soulless enough to treat others like pennies on the rails.

But this brings up a more salient point, as it appears that this is not an isolated incident - WHY ARE PEOPLE FALLING ONTO THE SUBWAY TRACKS?

Before I get into this, here are some quick facts about subway tracks:
- Subway tracks drop several feet
- They are very hard and provide no cushion whatsoever
- Their electrified third rails can kill you with a single touch
- Rats live there
- Trash lives there
- Pee lives there
- HIGH-SPEED SUBWAY TRAINS LIVE THERE

Shockingly, this must be news to many people. A recent study showed that there were 315 accidental subway deaths from 1990 to 2003.

The number of accidental deaths there should have been is zero.

...easily kill you if stepped in front of it. Who knew!

Maybe it's just me. I have a instinctive fear of large, metal objects moving at high speed. Whenever I step on the bright yellow, ridged warning strip next to the tracks, I get a little nervous and do my best to return to the unambiguously secure center of the platform. And the bum push? It's very real.

Many accidents evidently occur to drunk people. Are they not aware of the shiny, hurtling objects that traverse the large pits on either side of the platform? No amount of infused vodka could erase the facts on the ground. Lame excuse.

Then again, this is the country that spawned CAUTION: HOT labels for coffee and DO NOT USE NEAR WATER warnings on electrical appliances. Do we need a protective fence by the tracks and large signs that say MIND THE RAILBED? Maybe a drunk-people-only bench in the middle of the waiting area, too.



.

St.Irrelevant's Day

I've never been a big fan of St. Patrick's Day. Booze, parades, yadda yadda. I'm just waiting for Easter and its oustanding candy offerings.

Most Americans aren't Catholic and have little to no ties to Ireland at this point. St. Patrick was yesterday's excuse, good for a few generations of meaning but now devoid of anything except drunken naps at 4 in the afternoon.

Where washed-up mall Santas go to die

America, get a grip. You want an excuse to plow through gallons of colored beer? You need an inane reason to take the day off of work? Do you have a hole in your life where a parade should be?

Have a day for something everyone can actually get behind. Let's celebrate grilled cheese sandwiches. Or go-karts. Actually, let's celebrate them both on the same day and pretend some shifty carnie combined the two long, long ago, starting a classic American tradition. A carnie named Bert.

I mean, come on...right??

Wanna drink? Hell, that'd go great with grilled cheese. Just dye it a more appetizing color than green. And Shriners in go-karts are an essential part of any parade. It'd be a crime if your job didn't let you have the day off at that point.

Carnie Bert's Day of Revelry. It'd be more legit than any Irish or other ethnic holiday. Obama should get on this.

You Can't Have a Lemon Party Without Old Dick

Our former Vice-President made a showing from his underground lair the other day to throw some wilting barbs at Obama. I don't have much of a problem with this kind of banter; whatever Cheney says, the voting public will believe the opposite to be true, anyways.

It got me thinking though - what's Dick Cheney up to these days?

Love, America

It's nearly impossible to find info on his current status, but I suppose he never was a outgoing guy. Therefore, it's in his best interest that I make some educated guesses on his day-to-day affairs.


Huntin'. Fishin'. Killin'.
He is an avid sportsman, so I bet he has his own ranch in the West, stocked with rabbits, pheasant and Chinamen.



The Baskin-Robbins Down the Street
I've long thought Cheney was a Rocky Road man - besides, you don't have multiple heart attacks eating TCBY.



World of Warcraft
An obvious choice, considering that this is what he basically did in his previous job. And if anyone has Blood Elf Warlock (class 3) written all over them, it's Cheney.



Basement Recording Studio
Here's Dick, wizened by the world, crippled by his name, hated by anything with a beating heart...he's gotta get away. No beachside resort for him, though. All he needs is a six-string and a tape recorder, outfitted with a coupla D batteries. Keep takin' that Lost Highway, big guy.

Mr. Cheney, a.k.a. Förmidius Zarfan (4th from left)

Intimidating Smart-Alecky Teenagers
We see several high school-aged boys, smoking cigarettes and standing with skateboards outside a convenience store.

A portly, older man in Dockers and a polo shirt shuffles past.

BOY 1: "Hey, the nursing home's the other way, Gramps."

BOY 2: "Yeah, and say hey to Bea Arthur for me."

The man stops and faces the boys. From 20 feet away, he slowly raises his right hand and makes a small, almost unnoticeable gesture.

Suddenly, the leader of the boys grabs his throat in pain and collapses to the ground. As he realizes the complete suffocation about to envelope him, the boy looks up at the old man. The man is briefly reminded of a business trip to Canada, many years ago, when a young seal had looked at him with a similar expression in its eyes as a swift baseball bat met its skull.

Out of disgust more than pity, he drops his hand. The boy feels the invisible grip released from him as he takes a deep, welcome breath of the cool air around him, sating his burning lungs. He now knows.

Abraham Linkin

More links today, so that you may entertain yourself:

Chinese Underwear Navy Intimidates US Ships - Donkeylicious

Finally - someone else confirms the ridiculousness in this piece of news. I've done more research, though, and nobody can yet explain why skivvies should make an appearance on the high seas. My new favorite conspiracy.


MOMENT OF TOOTH - NY Post

The obligatory Post link (it was between this or "CHEESY DOES IT"). They're really fishing too deep for a pun with the title and the ending discredits the entire article. Classic investigative journalism.


Elie Wiesel and Bernard Madoff - Conde Nast Portfolio

If there's one thing this recession reminds me of, it's the Holocaust - and the woebegone upper elite agree with me. Read about the group masturbation session they had at the 21 Club to make themselves feel better.

.

Balled Out

While attending a peanut promotion the other day, someone was handing out peanut-shaped stress relievers made out of foam. I admit, it looks pretty cool. I've placed it on top of my computer and several people walking by my desk have inquired about it, so I guess that's good.

However, I have not nor will ever use this foam nut for its intended purpose - reducing stress. In fact, the thought that it was anything other than decoration hadn't even crossed my mind until recently.

Who invented stress-relieving squishies? I can't believe they might actually be intended to relieve stress. For once, even Wikipedia's kinda let me down.

I'm sure stress balls and the like were only invented for companies in need of whimsical promotional items. How many letter openers and embossed tote bags does someone need? Might as well be upfront with the uselessness of corporate swag, really - just make a foam thing in a weird shape.

fair enough

Which brings me to my main point, this website. Top 10 List? Reasons to Squeeze the Banker? Can do! If anything's going to convince me to buy these, it's a Ben Franklin with bug-out eyes. I hope they come out with an entire cast of the squishy people responsible for the worst recession in 80 years.

Pain.

DID YOU KNOW: 98 Degrees and the Backstreet Boys are still together.

nice bowl cut, asshole. now go home.

Wanna know how in-the-loop they are? 98 Degrees sang at a Ralph Nader rally last year. The Backstreet Boys have a new album they're working on with T-Pain and Ne-yo.


Jesus Christ.

The Important Things

I wish I was given the option to decide what free things I could have at work. As of now, office supplies, coffee/tea (via the crappy "pod" machine), and some soda is what I get. And I'm only mildly satisfied with the soda, to be honest. No Fanta? No Dr. Pepper? Blurg.

I don't really use a lot of supplies except some paper and post-its. I bring in my own tea and always forget there's coffee available. I nab about one soda every couple weeks.

In short, I'm getting robbed.

oh, these are...free? really?? OH GOOD!!!

The company's blowing all this cash over stuff that I hardly use and it's essentially coming out of everyone's paycheck, mine included. Bogus. Just stick to a few office necessities and get rid of our overpriced Wolfgang Puck machine that emulates the quality of water currently available in the Gaza Strip.

In return? Soft serve.

Not a day goes by where I wouldn't want some soft serve. Creamy, sweet and cool is not only how I'd describe Mary-Louise Parker, but also my taste in snacks. What can it possibly cost?? At least compared to that shitshow of a chef whose every "blend" of tea or coffee ends up being the same flavor. I don't think English has a word for it.

Hell, I'd bring my own cones and sprinkles. We don't need a multi-flavor machine; when one flavor runs out, you could easily replace it with a different one, just to mix it up! Imagine that.

it's really that easy

My heart suffers enough from the crushing ennui of post-post-postmodern urban life, so calories and fat be damned. It is categorically true that no bad memories have ever been associated with soft serve, so this is a guaranteed morale/cholesterol booster.

White and Tight on the High Seas

The belligerent powers of the world must sense that the U.S. Navy is our military's weak spot. To be fair, it's the place to go for people who think serving in the Army is cool, but don't wanna die.

Iran pulled some speedboat stunt a couple years ago in the Persian Gulf and those hilarious pirates off of Somalia just don't give a damn. Now, here comes China.

Before you briefly scan the article and close the window, consider that you might miss the greatest non-explained news event in journalism history:

"A Chinese intelligence ship and four others surrounded the USNS Impeccable, an unarmed vessel with a civilian merchant marine crew, as the craft conducted ocean surveys in international waters in the South China Sea, the Defense Department said in a statement.

The Impeccable sprayed one ship with water from fire hoses to force it away. Despite the force of the water, Chinese crew members stripped to their underwear and continued closing within 25 feet, the Defense Department said.

'We expect Chinese ships to act responsibly and refrain from provocative activities that could lead to miscalculation or a collision at sea, endangering vessels and the lives of U.S. and Chinese mariners,' [a DoD spokesman] said."


I have re-read the article several times to be sure of its existence in reality. This has actually been printed in a newspaper.

WHAT THE EFF?? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?? Is this what a high seas panty raid looks like? Maybe this is de rigeur for them, under the Chinese Navy's standard-issue "Doin' Weird Shit at Sea" manual.

I wish this sailor would get wet and strip - right???

I love the wording, too. "Despite the force of the water," the Chinese went ahead and stripped, as if nothing could hold back those plucky sailors from their fated mission. Had they just finished a ship-wide double feature of The 300 and Striptease or something?

The article leads me to believe that the Chinese sailors got wet (ha ha), so they took off their clothes. But then their undies got soaked (ha ha), so...why bother in the first place? This piece wants you to think that America's been threatened at sea, but come on. Maintaining an "aggressive posture" while shivering in your now-see-thru BVDs is an oximoron. This probably did more for morale on the USNS Impeccable than any Bob Hope USO tour ever could.

And why would the author even include the undie-incident? Isn't it enough that you told us the Chinese ships were harassing an unarmed research vessel? I thought that was the point of the article, to highlight a matter of geopolitical importance, but now I'm far too distracted. This is just weird journalism.

I wish whoever wrote this had gotten to the heart of the matter: A gang of aggressive sailors gets hosed down and strips - is this not the gayest story of the year??

FRIDAY LINKS!

Brain activity's at a minimum today, so let's do links.



Mandelson custard attack probed - BBC News

When I first saw this headline, about 10 different scenarios ran through my head. Classical composer's grave robbed? Heart disease on the rise? An opaque name for a new star system?

Well, it's exactly what it says it is. Though that's still entertaining.



Is Craigslist the world's biggest bordello? - CNET

I'm assuming this article is aimed at anyone who's never heard of the internet.

I like this classy touch, too, when interviewing an e-whore: "For people in her trade, she adds in a thick accent, 'Craigslist is vital.'"

They always have a thick accent, it's true.



WEINER'S NAUGHTY HOTTIE$ - NY Post

I was worried when I didn't catch any classic headline in the Post at first glance. Phew. Where else can a newspaper use a letter that's not in the alphabet?

Greatest first line in journalim: "Talk about the wrong side of foreign aid!" Was anyone even talking about foreign aid?

But seriously, his name is Weiner.

Debatable

I like Rush Limbaugh's idea of debating Obama. Not that it should actually happen, but the prospect of two visibly polar opposite figures of our society having a debate would be pretty sweet.

To be honest, though, there are other grudge match debates I'd rather see. For example - Chris Brown vs. the eyeless corpse of Jerry Orbach. The outcome is obvious, but it's still a battle I wanna witness. I don't know if anyone could escape the eternal glare of a man who gave his heart and soul to acting.

BORING.

People got pretty jazzed up about debates in the election but I know there's better possibilities out there. Why stop at politics? Before that excitement fades, someone should capitalize on it and set up a tour of kickass debates. The list of participants could run the gamut of interests, making sure everyone would want to come. Who'd wanna miss:

MASTER DEBATERS - CAGE KING TOUR '09

(this will take place in a cage)

presenting:
CONFUSION REIGNS: WHO IS WHO??

Kenneth from 30 Rock vs. Bobby Jindal

TOO EMBARRASSING NOT TO WATCH

Roger Clinton vs. Carrot Top

HILARIOUS ACCENT COULD TIP THE BALANCE!

Stephen Hawking vs. Italian pizza guy

WITH THE FEATURED SMACKDOWN:

Jay-Z vs. Noam Chomsky

Right??? I seriously would love to see all of these. And there could be different winners every night, if it weren't for the fact that being on this tour would automatically disqualify you from being labeled a winner.

If you ever wanted a cultural barometer of the differences between America and the UK, here is your sign.

I've always had a hunch that there's something extra seedy about Britain. Maybe it's the widespread acceptance of ridiculous tabloids, naked chicks in newspapers, or easily-mocked accents. I don't know.

Anyways, there's really not much to say about this as the proof just speaks for itself.


SOME OF REUTERS U.S. MOST POPULAR NEWS VIDEOS
"More drug violence in Mexico"
"U.S. bank bailout may cost more"
"Darfur genocide charges possible"
"Business Update: Auto slump deepens"
"Talk of the Town: Britney on tour"

There are other stories in the top group, but these are the spiciest ones. One Britney article.

Now the real headlines:

REUTERS UK MOST POPULAR NEWS VIDEOS (top 10, in order)
"Indian models dare to bare"
"Australian topless bathing ban urged" (been in top 10 for a month, by the way)
"Space ship-like car to hit U.S. roads"
"'Noah's Ark' found off Peru"
"Bra for boys is bestseller"
"Model in bikini graces Boeing jet" (this is a story?)
"Ice bath, Russia's hot attraction"
"Soccer star denies sexual assault"
"Machine with a human face"
"Rare cheetah photographed" (actual news item)


Draw your own conclusions.

From the land that brought you Bananas in Pajamas, in case you forgot.

For Irony's Sake

If there are two things that are hot intellectual commodities these days in New York, it's irony and craft beer. More than anything else, young professionals and bourgeois elders alike love a good, sarcastic joke and a pint of handmade brew.

What annoys me is that the two have not, as of yet, reached their natural integration. Local breweries stick with idiotic names like "Brownstone Lager" or "Brooklyn Porter". What? Where's this beer from again? I could never possibly guess since this bottle of beer has such a creative and enigmatic name on its label!

Maybe you should make an obscure reference to your origins, too. You and brewer Jimmy may like it, but I will harshly judge both your bloated sense of self-importance and the bloating you have caused me. I guarantee your narrow-minded, optimistic name to be misplaced - you need a message with oomph and cynicism.

"Hm...a pale lager with hoppy flavors...let's call it 'Hoppy Pale Lager'!"

Look at wine. The snarky, dead-on-the-inside crowd of oenophiles have a myriad of brands to choose from ("Oops", "Cheap Bottle of Red", e.g.) that are both affordable and self-aware - an urban misanthrope's dream. Everyone knows you buy wine based on the label, so why do popular craft beers insist on ignoring the facts? Boring doesn't sell, unless it's fundamentalist religion.

I bought a bottle of Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale once simply because of the tongue-in-cheek label. You'd think the crushing ennui of modern city life would've produced more such brands. To get brewers off on the right foot, here are some suggestions sure to cook up sales:



FIRST MONTHS OF PRESIDENCY CREAM ALE
After months of heavy anticipation, we've released this ale to the public. People mostly like it so far, though it's not quite as good as they'd hoped. Reviewers note that much of its appeal lies in the fact that it's not our "Horrifying Stewardship of Our Country Bitter Ale", though a few connoisseurs insist it'll prove better as time goes on.


SHARIA LAGER

Our most popular export, despite its ability to actually suck all joy out of your body. Brewed with the fingernails of adulterers and blasphemes.

clever, inclusive, to the point...there is hope yet

POST-RACIAL STOUT
Really? You think it looks dark? Huh. I didn't even notice. Honest.


TYLER PERRY PRESENTS MADEA MAKES MALT LIQUOR
Duh.


OLD FARTS IPA
For the same reason that kids eat the dirt-flavored Harry Potter jelly beans first. How will you really know if it tastes like it sounds unless you buy it? It's a challenge more than a beer and a sure seller among the fraternity crowd.



Wake up, brewers of America. Take a look at what could be your best products - they practically sell themselves.

Rock Bottom

Well, it's official now: Madea Goes to Jail beat out the Jonas Brothers' new movie last weekend in box office receipts. Since this hits a new low in our society, I'm curious as to what artificial edifice of our humanity will crumble next. I'd say animal skins would come back in style but the '70s already laid that stinker. Therefore, my money's on eating utensils.

Sandwiches are immensely popular and pies are effin' delicious - both easily eaten by hands, yet clumsily so by knife/fork/spoon. Soup's already in a cup and smoothies/milkshakes round out the desserts. Every culture's best hand food has made its way into the international food realm, beating out other, less convenient, plate-only dishes. Sayanora, bouillabaise.

relic of the past, circa 2023 A.D.

I'm sure Mexico, Germany and France have outstanding cuisine, but all I'm really aware of are tacos, brats and crepes. All delicious hand food, yes, but I wonder if it's the finest they have to offer.

Then again, is that really the case? This might be a good thing, you know. While we're probably skipping a lot of the good stuff from different cultures, we're also passing over some unsavory delights. Britain gives us the delicious, hand-friendly fish and chips, but it also spawned the devil's afterbirth in mushy peas. Keep hope, for this is an item that does not translate well into the non-utensile future and thus seems ripe for extinction.

the future looks delicious from here

Actually, I can't think of a hand food I don't like. And maybe I should go see one of the Madea movies. Time to embrace the future.