City Livin'!

Nobody minds walking on the sidewalk - until someone, who evidently just realized they're a cripple, walks slowly in front of you; as you attempt to pass, they furtively drift into your pathway, proving that they are an asshole and you have every right to punch them in the kidneys. There are a million other, equally asinine yet frustrating, circumstances involving the sidewalks of NYC that I'll leave be for now.

Riding a bike is an obvious solution to this. Of course, this solution is too obvious for many people and they choose the showoffy-nerd route - which is, of course, the most morally offensive route

I'm passing on segways because I have a hunch that, 20 years from now, someone will tell me that segways were only written about in wacky science fiction and have never actually existed.

The Recumbent Bike, or, "that looks gay"

Yep, it has a name.

"Man, those normal bikes make me wanna puke. Here I am, sitting in a slightly crouched position and pedaling to beat the band while I get to enjoy an eye level equivalent to motor vehicles, with whom I share the road...this is the worst! There's gotta be a better way!"

There sure is - this vehicle, for idiotic idiots who love riding bikes but hate common decency.

Social Annoyance rating: 3 out of 5 bluetooth headsets

The Razor Scooter

What, cracking the nude patch for your copy of Tomb Raider didn't satisfy your quest for self-loathing enough? Well, do I have a treat for you.

If you're under 12, you get a semi-pass on this one. But I can think of no greater crime against humanity than a sentient being choosing to get from one location to the next by using this "vehicle".

Let's review what the razor scooter offers:
Laziness? Check.
Comical size? Check.
Moral property of pre-pubescent children? Double check.

Hurry! Or you'll miss that date with your non-existent girlfriend.

Can you think of a grown man parading around in wheelie shoes? No. They do not make them for adults and they should not make them for adults, though I would argue that they should not be made for anything with a pulse.

Social annoyance rating: 4 1/2 out of 5 bluetooth headsets.

Rollerblades

Surprised? You shouldn't be.

If you're one to still cruise around town on rollerblades, let me congratulate you on living in Southern California during this current year of 1996, owning a pair of neon running shorts, and not leaving home without your cassette player.

True, they have a real purpose - roller sports. Leave the rink with your blades on, though, and risk social relegation to the likes of middle-aged guys in muscle cars and non-oil tycoons/people under 75 who wear bolo ties. Besides, it was roller skates, not blades, that brought us the 20th century's finest achievement:

TO NOTE: A mid-summer bike ride down the Hudson River Park last year revealed that many rollerbladers are not only poor at their craft, but also demand the full width of the path. May these people burn in hell.

Social annoyance level: 2 1/2 out of 5 bluetooth headsets.