The New World Order

Poor Mexico. So far from God, so close to...not God, as they say. As much as I admire its people and obsess over its tacos, it's time to face the facts - Mexico probably ain't gonna be around here for much longer.

Ingrained poverty and widespread government corruption have created numerous pockets of quasi-state function. Zapatistas here, drug lords there, and the government can't do a damn thing about it. Add in the rising odds of environmental catastrophe (thanks, Al Gore) and not even the most chipper of big-buxomed telenovela stars can stop the oncoming tide of tragedy.

a stereotype

But hey, this is a positive environment, so let's focus on the fun part - who do we get to have as our new state-neighbor? Think of it as choosing the little sibling you always wanted! And geography's irrelevant, since we have the power to move any country we want (see: Iraq).

There are a few candidates that come to mind:

JAPAN
Pros: sushi, arcades, pachinko, funny accents, lots of adorable stuff
Cons: Hiroshima's a downer, pervy hentai, lots of adorable stuff

ITALY
Pros: delicious food, beautiful people, snazzy style
Cons: lack of governing ability, actual organized crime, history of swindling


But we're overlooking the obvious choice. The one that fills all the right criteria with none of the cultural hangover.

Canada.

But a second one. With no Quebec.


Mexico's always been a little too caliente for Joe Six-pack; maybe it's too much of a reminder that North America includes people other than Americans. But Canada? They're America-lite, just different enough to be another country but basically the same formula. They even like our kind of football - nobody likes our kind of football!

Canada never raises much of a fuss and they'd still be our ally if we jilted them time and again on the global stage. Which we do. And if you make a joke at their expense, it's not racist - it's funny.

another stereotype

Donuts, endemic violent sports, fries with gravy and cheese, rodeos, speaking English - the list of American-friendly stuff goes on. I think most patriots can deal with more of that.