R.I.P.

Well, the decades of suspense are finally over: Archie's getting married! Yep, that Archie - the friend of Jughead, citizen of Riverdale, and embarrassing member of my childhood bookshelf.

I don't want to ruin the surprise, but I'll go ahead and do it anyways. He's gonna marry Veronica. Congratulations.

Why now, Archie? You had such a good thing going - the perfect scenario, really. The rich hottie and...the not-rich hottie. Unless I lost count, that's two hotties. And who doesn't want a coupla hotties engaged in jealous combat over you, especially if "you" is a bushy-eyebrowed coward with a permanent tic-tac-toe board on the side of your head?

this is kinda fucked up, right?

On top of it all, you had a pathetic friend whose misnomer, though not accurately describing his headgear, did capture the je ne seis quoi of a young man who unironically wears something resembling a crown. No matter what shenanigans befell you, this sidekick virtually guaranteed your superiority by comparison - but not anymore. Give this kid 6 Archie-less months and I bet he'll realize the joke you've made of him for the past 68 years. A pie in the face is least of your troubles when you've robbed a man of his pride and assault rifles remain legal.

Evidently the marriage issue will cover Archie's life 5 years after the deed has been done. Let me look into my crystal ball...ah, yes...I see a man tortured by the ennui of an elite he doesn't belong to, crushed by his inability to maintain social graces, and left empty through the scorn of his pampered children. Have fun, big guy.