Sad McMahon

With the death of demi-god Billy Mays this weekend, the past several days have been perhaps the most dangerous time for celebrities since Hollywood Squares first aired.

His passing will be prominently remembered because not only was he awesome, but he was the only celebrity with enough balls to out-die Michael Jackson. The man is born a month before the King of Pop and dies only days after him, even copping MJ's style with a heart attack - that takes cajones.

Of course, it's easy to conclude that the real loser from this past week is Ed McMahon. To wit:

Farrah Fawcett: dead at 62 years old (anal cancer)...was hot in the '7os...still kinda hot until her passing

Billy Mays: dead at 50 years old (heart attack)...made me want to pry open my miserly billfold for products I didn't need, though they did clean really well

Michael Jackson: dead at 50 years old (heart attack)...ruled world of music for a generation...ruled People magazine for the next generation

Ed McMahon: dead at 86 years old (oldness)...made Johnny Carson look better in comparison...delivered giant checks


Yeah, sorry Ed. Farrah's death right after yours was almost enough to cloud the memory of your passing, but Michael Jackson really put your mourning next to the baking soda at the back of our nation's fridge. To rub it in, all-around kingpin of culture Billy Mays passed away after all this, cementing your irrelevant status as the dead guy that only dead people care about.

the transition lenses go silent...Ed McMahon, 1827 - 2009

No suspenseful heart attack or stigma-defying cancer of hilarious body parts for Ed - just "a multitude of health issues," as the doctors put it, medical speak for "we don't care". Dying at 62? Tragic. Dying at 50? Shocking. Dying at 86? Well...why didn't you die at 62? Fact: ironic celebrities have an exponential chance of being remembered the closer they die to the age of 55 (and vice versa the farther away - see Brad Renfro).

I never really paid much attention to him. He seemed like a decent guy, though, and Phil Hartman (R.I.P.) did a great job of mocking him on national television. Ed McMahon, you're about to be forgotten, so here's my permanent e-memorial to you, barring me deleting this entry.