Adios

I'm off on vacation for some exotic fun in the sun, so new posts will be sporadic. As long as I'm not decapitated.

Surely now my throngs of followers will have to check for updates even more often because of this anticipation!

Please Be Unseated

Whenever I take a coach bus, I have two priorities:
1. Window seat
2. A guarantee that nobody will sit next to me

In reality, having neither of these goals fulfilled isn't so bad but they are my goals, nonetheless.

That being said, it sticks in my craw that I rarely have goal #2 fulfilled. I've long thought about why this is. I realize my instinct to make a beeline for the window seat leaves a tantalizingly open aisle spot for the next rider. My Ichabod Crane body shape also allows for plenty of room for whatever stranger claims the seat next to me.

Always being stuck with someone next to me leaves me with having to deter people from doing so. I've tried sitting in the aisle seat first, but that just makes you look like an asshole when someone requests the open window seat. Ditto for "accidentally" leaving your bag on the seat next to you. A wide, intimidating sitting posture, intended to take up a seat and a half to protect ground, is a useless endeavor (see last paragraph).

he did not have this problem

I may have stumbled upon an effective repellent, however. Rushing onto a bus yesterday, I had no time to stop and eat a meal. I grabbed some pizza and took it with me to make sure I was there on time. Having reached the bus and my coveted window seat, I proceeded to tear into my sub-par, overpriced dinner.

Bit by bit, the bus filled up. My fears grew. Yet, time after time, people would pass over my seat for another one next to a different stranger. They would slowly walk up, pause in delight at the available seat, slightly recoil when seeing me, then move on.

Of course - I should've known! Nobody wants to sit next to the kid chowing down on greasy food. I've done the same thing many times, myself. The greasy-food passenger is like the slightly overweight kid in elementary school who breathes through their mouth: he who sits next to them risks a smelly, socially uncomfortable journey.

Eventually, the bus was filled to capacity. But I can say that the very last person to board that bus was forced to take the seat next to me. And their hesitance to take this final, open spot assures me that I have found the path to victory. But my hands did smell funny after eating that pizza.

Hobo Knows

I remember reading about hobo tent cities popping up in California, but get ready for the new hobo phenomenon: Hobo Paradise.

Aside from the crushing sadness of this story, you know an economic crisis is serious when the homeless start talking about hobo Valhallas out in the middle of Arizona. Their ascendancy is upon us.

Outbreak of Lies

I just wanted to let everyone know that they shouldn't worry about this "Swine Flu" phenomenon. It is, in fact, completely fake.

How many kinds of flu can there be? I thought there was just regular flu, which sucks as it is, but then they gave us avian flu. Now there's swine flu? I think some bored scientist out there just wanted to use another fancy word for describing a tawdry animal.

If people are going to conjure up fake diseases, though, I'd rather they focus on ones that we can all join in on. Calling into the office sick with random-animal flu these days doesn't really cut it - your bluff is immediately revealed.

Why not spread talk about a "pigeon flu"? Never heard of it, you say? Well, it's a rather nasty disease but not life-threatening. Best of all, it only lasts a day or two. Interested?

Pigeons get a bad rap as a filthy animal - after all, they live in conditions that are only marginally better than most homeless people, though this is mostly because the homeless can't yet live in trees. They're everywhere, too, so we're all susceptible. Throw in some urban myth about homeless pigeon breeding and you have an unbeatable combo.

a cunning move, my friend

Due to its non-existence, the Columbidavian Flu would probably dissipate in a matter of days. You'll have to seize the initiative on this one. Take that sick day as soon as you can before the epidemic retreats back into the unknown! People will gradually forget it ever happened, like the anticlimactic blackout from 6 years ago.

You will get not only a free day off but a weird-disease story to share with your pals, too. You're welcome.

R.I.P.

Bea Arthur, truly a Golden Gal.





Probably the classiest person to cross to the other side since Cary Grant.

I Link Therefore I Am

More links.


ECONOMY'S SO BEASTLY...BRONX ZOO FIRES ANIMALS - NY Post

Even animals are getting fired?? THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. THANKS, POST!!!

Best tidbit from the article's comment section:

"IwalkinTheValleyOfDeathIFearNoEvilIAmTheBaddestMFERInTheValley wrote:

Clinton Hateful and stupid always ends badly.

4/24/2009 10:49 AM EDT"

I love the Post.


Possible interrogation probe dashes hopes for bipartisanship under Obama - FOXNews

Evidently bipartisanship means "ignoring possible crimes against humanity".

Keep on diggin' that hole, guys. See you in China.


Ill Leno cancels taping of show - BBC News

Doesn't that sound like a good band name? Ill Leno.

Change for America

I used to carry about a fair amount of change. Not on purpose, really, but I was mostly too lazy to bother taking it out of my pockets after various purchases.

Tired of all the jingling and weight, I started a conscious effort a couple months ago to quit with the change-carrying and stick with bills. After a good start, my new strategy has backfired in a big way.

Specifically, the majority of the purchases I've made in the past few weeks have all been slightly more than a rounded dollar amount. There is no embarrassment quite like a Duane Reade attendant's glare as you hand them two dollar bills for a candy bar that costs $1.13. "You don't have 13 cents?" No. No, I do not and yes, I want to leave.

and you feel shame.

Yesterday I was in a corner store, hoping to grab a soda for the road. I had a one-dollar bill and a 20-dollar bill. I also thought I had 35 cents in change. Bring it.

Instead of the safe, reliably-75-cents can, I noticed that the 20 oz. bottles were on sale - for 94 cents! Even if NYC's ridiculously high taxes blow this baby over a dollar, I have 35 cents to cover me, I thought.

I get to the counter and ready myself. The total is $1.08. I started digging through my bag for the change I thought I had, but it was then I remembered that I had earlier used this 35 cents on a banana. This was, in fact, why I had specifically brought 35 cents.

Had my ill-chosen soda been five cents cheaper, I could've convinced the clerk to let it slide. Three cents? Sure, use the penny tray. But eight cents? Get your dime, son.

Anyways, I was left with the second-worst option I had next to being a man in a suit who can't afford a soda - paying with a 20-dollar bill. The shame was complete, my apologies profuse, and I left a broken man.

Never again.

America's Bestime

Minor league baseball is pretty sweet, mostly for the bootleg concept behind it: they're not quite the pros yet are only somewhat more legit than a YMCA summer sports camp. Thus it breeds the finest example of capitalist creativity that America has to offer, the promotional giveaway night.

Win a Used Car Night was immensely popular, but my favorite promotion as a kid was Elvis Night, where people weighing over 250 lbs. were given a free jelly donut. A scale was provided at the front gate.

In that spirit, I applaud the marketing whiz that came up with another classic in Van Down by the River Night. Somehow, you get to win money.

if you hand out donuts for free, they will come

I've always wanted to know someone who had some wild, random success happen upon them. Like if I knew the winner of a lottery or the guy who was saved on the subway tracks a couple years ago. Imagine if you knew someone who was made rich from a creepy van promotion. A boy can dream.

That was going to be it, but here's a list of the best promotions from 2008, alone. Using a tent spike to find the keys to some old guy's car in the warning track?? Just...just genius. I have hope.

The Nose Knows

I've always somewhat ignored the special-services dogs, the ones that lead the blind or sniff for drugs. Kinda cool, yeah, but so what?

Well what if a dog could perform a much more obscure task with 100% precision? Maybe a task like...smelling for peanuts?

Ignoring this child's genetic predisposition for an early death, a peanut-sniffing dog sounds effin' sweet. Not so much that it can detect peanuts, per se, but that a dog can be trained to catch the faintest trace of any scent - even comical ones.

Immediately a fart dog comes to mind. Odd smell always hit the elevator on the way to the 25th floor? Your nose may be in disgust but your sensibilities will surely be at ease when your pooch discovers and summarily embarrasses the culprit. Ron in I.T. - you have been called out!

Devout Dog can smell a non-believer right away

This begs the question of what kind of reaction you'd want from the dog; would fart dog bark at the offender or assume a "pointer" position? Part of this is what the proper warning effect should be (to alert? to annoy?) though it also depends on what the dog's purpose is. To get a sense of things, let's examine


OLFACTORY-TRAINED DOG CATEGORIZATION

Dog: Boston Terrier
Scent Detection: Fancy pants
Warning: Immediate urination on perpetrator

Dog: Beagle
Scent Detection: Vegan Human
Warning: Vigorous humping of leg (undefined)

Dog: Pitbull
Scent Detection: Cheetos dust
Warning: Vicious mauling

Dog: Coon Hound
Scent Detection: The Blues
Warning: Soulful howl


More importantly, I can't believe that Disney hasn't made a live-action movie out of these animals - SNIFF TO THE RESCUE practically writes itself. Want a hint? Potsy (the opportunistic pug with a nose for robots and trouble!) will be voiced by Jason Alexander. You're welcome, Hollywood.

Ja Ja Ja

Hopefully you heard last week about some Burger King ads in Spain for the new Texican Burger. The commotion was over the characters in this campaign: a strong, hearty cowboy and a midget Mexican wearing a luchador mask and a poncho designed like the Mexican flag.

Evidently most of this wasn't offensive but the flag part was, so the Mexican embassy requested BK to stop the ads. A pity, because this is a hilarious trope that should be more greatly exploited.

united by fate and cultural hegemony

Anyways, I thought I had gathered enough on the story from the initial blurb until I read this today:

"A TV version of the ad shows the strapping cowboy and the
pint-sized Mexican wrestler -- nicknamed 'Just a Little Bit' -- living together as roommates. At one point, the American lifts up the Mexican to help him put a trophy on a high shelf."

Paternalistic, yet topical, with a dash of heartfelt camaraderie. Also, that guy's name is Just a Little Bit. Classic. I have grossly underestimated the Spanish advertising market. Europe may be shockingly xenophobic but it's worked out for the common good this time.

It does make me wonder - how many multinational companies are getting away with comically racist ad campaigns away from their home country? And how can I see these ads?

Simple Pleasures

So I joke around in the office with this one guy. Sometimes it's about the foam peanut on my desk that was spitefully torn in two by a co-worker. Other times, suicide. Ours is a true workplace bond.

I'm filling up my desk mug with water from the kitchen today around lunchtime. Many people are eating in the kitchen. My friend is there, sitting at a table with a couple people.

Me: "What's up, champ."
Friend: "I got the bullet right here, man. Lemme know when you wanna do this thing."
Me: "Word."
Friend: *goes back to leafing through lingerie catalog


He knows what time it is.

Tea Party Pooper

In case you're wondering what conservatives have been up to these days, take an e-stroll to the land of fair and balanced news to find out: historical re-enactments!

Surprisingly, Fox is the only news source that's treating these Tea-Tax events seriously enough - Glenn Beck is reporting from the Alamo today, BTW - to warrant much coverage. As my legitimacy as a news source is more credible, I have chosen otherwise.

For starters, their HQ website is a little plain for such an exciting event. I feel led to point out, however, that your movement may be in trouble when your top-listed PR weapon is Pajamas TV.

They do give some good tips, like avoiding or uncovering those left-wing nutjobs masquerading as "newsie posers" who want to scuttle your tea party. As they wisely advise, "Beware such chicanery today."

Glenn Beck (2nd from left) prefers one lump, not two

Their homemade protest signs are pretty lackluster, too. Some half-hearted gems: "OUR GOVT OAFS FORGOT THEIR OATHS" and "PARTY LIKE IT'S 1773". If you really want to party like it's 1773, you should ask Bob Dole who, coincidentally, was a government oaf. Checkmate.

Mostly, though, it's perplexing why they would choose now to so vociferously protest taxes. Maybe they're unaware that Americans currently have more positive views about their federal taxes than at almost any time since 1956. Most likely, however, they're probably looking to legitimize teabagging as a social phenomenon. This I do support.

E-Gorging

Whether by mistake or on purpose, when lunchtime rolls around at work I'm usually reading about food on the internet.

My recent obsession has pushed this to new heights, however - I can't stop reading the user-submitted recipe corner. Especially the ones where someone asks about a long-forgotten recipe. It's like a mystery, but delicious!!!

To wit: my past 20 minutes.

Jessica Fletcher...always on the snoop for a great family meal!

Maybe I'm going overboard. The company can't be thrilled that I'm poking around on Food Goddess or any other polytheistic meal site. Yet...I can't stop... Opulent Chicken???? I HAVE TO FIND OPULENT CHICKEN.

Sputlink

No post yesterday due to OFFICIAL BUSINESS.

Links today:

DOC THIS WAY! - NY Post

Another non-specific headline from the details-oriented paper. I mostly wanted to put this up here because the "Health" section is listed under "Entertainment" in the Post.


"Brown Fat" Burns Calories - CNN
Hahahahahaha. Here are the story highlights:

- Special kind of fat, brown fat, burns calories in cold weather
- Research showed adults retain brown fat on their bodies
- Drugs may be created to fire up brown fat activity to burn calories faster

I'll say! Hahahaha....brown fat...


Today being my birthday, I've long known that I share this distinction with Omar Sharif and Mandy Moore. Turns out Sean Avery's also in the club, tarnishing our once-fine society.

To be honest, though, a lotta douchey things have happened on my birthday...bombings, plane crashes, submarine accidents. So I guess Avery might fit in well. Meh.

Official State Jerkoff

In case you don't follow the news, a group of Ohio students recently got the state legislature to name the tomato as the state fruit.

Admirable effort, I thought. It led me to look at this further and see what other states have as their official food.

There are some notable entries to laud: Boston Creme Donut as Massachusetts's state donut and Jell-O as Utah's state snack food. There are also some points of contention: several blueberry, peach and apple entries for state fruit, for example. All have valid claims.

However, there's one state that clearly knows how to spoil a party when it sees it: Oklahoma.

They have a state fruit and vegetable...and the state menu item. Actually, scratch that - state menu items. To top it off, I cry foul on every single "menu item" they list:
- barbecue pork
- chicken fried steak
- sausage (huh?)
- biscuits and gravy
- fried okra
- squash
- grits
- corn
- black-eyed peas
- cornbread
- pecan pie

They can't be serious. Corn?? You can't lay claim to corn. Besides, how does it not get labeled under state vegetable?

Why would Oklahoma want to lay claim to these foods as Oklahoma state menu items? What an asshole move. It would appear that Southern states agree, having ignored this foolish broadside by neglecting to carry a "menu item" category themselves.

Oklahoma's official state "Other State's Shellfish"

And while it would appear they've listed just about every major Southern food, why would they leave out fried chicken? To claim innocence of all-out culinary thievery? Maybe they told Iowa they could have it, instead. Or perhaps the state menu ran out of room.

How could they ruin the spirit of state foods? Obama should get on this.

A Poor Shoeing

Remember the octo-craze? Well, that's old bananas now. Enter the flying shoe.

With a forceful flick of his wrist, Muntadar al-Zaidi changed the landscape of the pop culture cliche. What may have once been a strong political statement is now fodder for the unoriginal upstarts of the world.

In case you want to catch up on your airborne-footwear stories, glance at this laundry list.

That's pathetic. If you're angry enough for your cause to warrant losing shoes over it, why don't you get your thinking cap on and come up with something original? Shoe soles are obviously insulting in the Arab world - does that make them just as insulting in India? Or France? I'm pretty sure these places have their own insulting imagery that they can chuck at passing dignitaries.

Take the protests in London and Strasbourg over the recent G20 conference. Smashing windows, busting offices, blah blah blah. Though I am grateful no shoes were thrown, this makes for boring and ineffective protesting. Again, can't these people come up with something original? I thought angry liberals were the creative type.

Maybe I'm just wistful for the days when a protest really meant something. Not so much the Paris of '68, but perhaps the Varberg, Sweden of '01. No reason, no copycat method, and open to interpretation. A classy and, quite literally, tasteful protest.

progenitors in the art of political dissent

Really, if everyone started throwing cake or pies, wouldn't that be a promising sign? Nobody's really a fan of hardcore protesters as destroying public property tends to give you a negative image. But a pie in the face? Just imagine if someone had landed a banana cream right in Cheney's mug, circa 2005. Fame, fortune and a light prison sentence await those savvy enough to grasp the open mantle of effective protest.

P.S. - Only related to the above picture: when Photoshop goes too far.

Egeddes!

Sometimes, people just don't comprehend email, especially office email. My workplace has to be reminded about email etiquette on a monthly basis by the management/lawyers, which baffles me.

Some people write disparaging, "private" emails about co-workers, OTHERS WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU CAN SEE WHAT THEY'VE WRITTEN, and some send emails about their new child porn website. All are equally abhorrent in their lack of moral clarity.

Worse than these crimes, however, is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis: themed email backgrounds.

One person I know uses a dark green, pool table-esqe background. They have also correctly deduced that black is the most appropriate color for text visibility. Another person has started using an Anne Geddes theme. Anne Geddes. Think about that.

adding this to any email will add an extra level of clarity

If people are oblivious enough to not realize that office emails are, in fact, property of the company, then I guess throwing all conventions of business decency out the window should be expected. Yes, the workplace can be boring, but emails are not the place for you to convince me that babies in rose-laced baskets and bunny outfits are worthy of my attention.

An associate I know uses a lined-paper background theme. What are you telling me with this carefully chosen setting? That you remember the days of paper? Maybe it's the ironic charm of writing electronic mail on what appears to be paper! Who cares if it obscures and distorts the view of what's been written; the message you've sent with your scurrilous decorum has told me everything I need to know.

Maybe a return to paper wouldn't be so bad. I doubt many people would pay the extra money to have their memo stationary be printed up with some regrettable, seasonal theme that incorporates paper clips and elves.

hideously inappropriate under any circumstances, regardless

There's an immediacy in the e-age that probably leads people to not actually evaluating their office conduct. If you had to spend the time researching, ordering and storing your own stack of themed memo paper, you'd probably realize at some stage that Ziggy was a poor choice. If only you'd have chosen the eggshell white.

Mayor David Linkins

Link day, since I'm morally drained from a haircut gone awry. Though it is kind of nice knowing that I won't need another haircut until Christmas.


Entry on Herbert George Columbine - Wikipedia

Courtesy of the random article feature. His blurb is worth reading about, if only for the one-liner that follows it at the end. What a crappy legacy.


Is God real? Join the Debate! - ABC News

"As Mike Seaver, the oldest son in the smash hit sitcom "Growing Pains," actor Kirk Cameron could make audiences roll with laughter. But now he wants to bring them to the Lord. And he's deadly serious." Hahahahahaha.

But seriously, the only thing that photo convinces me of is Kirk's homosexuality.


20 Moments We Wish Were April Fool's Jokes (photo gallery) - NY Post

The required Post link. I love this gallery and I mean that in the most unironic way. The Post always reminds me of Hooters' slogan - "Delightfully tacky, yet unrefined".

BORING.

If the New York Times ever wanted a reason as to why newspapers are failing, I need only to give them a sight of their own failings:

Downturn Puts New Stresses on Libraries

Huh? I'm supposed to care about this? Out of all the problems plaguing our country right now, especially the ones related to this "great recession", you landed on libraries. What, did you run out of articles on organic bed and breakfasts in rural Catalonia?

I'm not always a fan of the Times, but they've crossed a line. Bill O'Reilly's soul must be spinning in the grave of his own flesh.

he may be poor but he's not library-poor

To make matters worse, it's their number one emailed article for the day. Number one. That means that people have approved of this piece as being worthy enough for their friends and family to read. Really, it's them I pity, not the libraries.

But they do grip me with tense, urban drama...
"What began as bickering took a violent turn when one of the [homeless bums] pulled out a knife and stabbed the other six times, leaving him bleeding beside the book drop."

...and a crippling ennui that only a post-post-modern librarian could know:
"'I guess I’m not really used to people with tears in their eyes,' said Rosalie Bork, a reference librarian in Arlington Heights, a well-to-do suburb of Chicago."

And on top of it all, that lovely Jay Gatsby stopped coming by to peruse the self-help section - or maybe those doll librarians! And how!

Eech.

Which Test Are You?? FIND OUT!!!

My favorite internet fad, in the history of the internet and its fads, has to be the online quiz.

I was speaking with Ms. Wrasslin' the other day about the personality type quiz. When it first came out, some friends of mine were steadfast in supporting its truth, which really gets to the core of online quiz appeal: their accuracy.

Every time, a quiz would pinpoint an aspect of somebody you know. What candy bar are you? A Snickers?? Spot on!! All my friends call me a nut, har har! What member of the A-Team would you be? Murdock!?! Holy crap, I AM Murdock.

I'LL NEVER KNOW!!!

Part of me misses the old days of the internet, when honesty and charm were its primary assets. Well, that and animated gifs.

I'd be remiss if I didn't put up one of these throwback quizzes, so let's roll with this one. Timeless dweeb humor, perfect for the 14-year-old boy spending a lazy Sunday afternoon on Al Gore's brainchild, circa 1998.