Octo-Awesome

The story about the mom with the 8 kids is pretty crazy, even if it's getting heavy media saturation at this point. My favorite part about it all is how the lady's has been tabbed Octo-Mom, which sounds hilariously insulting. I wouldn't wanna be an Octo-Mom; mother of 8 children, maybe.

Now Octo-Mom is everywhere in the news, revealing the media's true motivation: labeling an event or thing as octo-something is guaranteed to make it awesome. Google News is proof:

Octo-Mess
Octo-Porn (no link - don't want to get fired)
Octo-Awards
Octo-Doc

Even the celeb mags have confirmed my suspicion, misidentifying squid in their gruesome, unquenchable thirst for octo-stories.

They have a point, though - just about anything is cooler when you octo-it. Don't want spinach for dinner? Try OCTO-SPINACH. I may be sick of taking the subway to work, but my annoyance could be assuaged by knowing I'm on the OCTO-TUBE.

back when octo meant something

The clincher for all of this is, not surprisingly, the New York Post: Octo-Puss.

To be fair, I actually laughed out loud at the first two paragraphs. I cannot say enough about this woman and the words that are written in this article - in fact, I'm starting a new blog whose sole reason for being is the New York Post: BELIEVE.

It always makes me laugh that my friends who work for the City can only peruse a handful of websites at their office: WebMD, City intranet, and the Post. Tax dollars at work.

E-Mania

I know I keep bringing up the mid-90's-era Internet, but a brief search for Wilford Brimley on Google gave me this gem:

Wilford Brimley World

This is exactly what every person from 14 to 25 was doing with their time back then. Making websites showcasing our deepest interests that nobody else on earth could possibly share.

The design is probably inspired by the same guy who invented the Starter jacket: background color with mismatching text hues, the animated .gif, even low-resolution vidcaps - connected with links! Great use of Hulk Hogan - DO YOU REMEMBER HIM?? INTERNET!!!!! Angelfire is a classy hosting touch, too.

Wilford...I am so, so sorry

The best part is the link section. How can I not click on such witty hypertext? Links were the best way to make a web page look pro back then. This guy must've creamed his pants thinking of all the cool things he could show people online that not only reflected his varied tastes, but also his supreme knowledge of the internet. Also, just a reminder that obnoxious Facebook profiles actually predate Facebook.

I really want to find this guy. Part of me wants to think that he hasn't left his parents' basement since 1998 and his internet connection is frozen in time to only those websites that existed at that point. What a rock star.

Psst - the Umpire? Clever...

I had a dream last night that I was a reporter for some large newspaper. There was a big hubbub because Joe Biden was giving a speech and I was there.

There wasn't much to see because the place was packed with journalists and gawkers, so my spirit was dwindling. I saw Biden waltz off-stage at the end of his bit, though, and thought that this was my moment to strike.

not a dreamboat

I jogged up to him and didn't see any Secret Service guys coming to pounce on me - my luck! Even at the time, I understood that the dream world had given me a gift and something zany was bound to happen.

So I asked him, "What about Russia?"

He said, "I dunno, they're kinda crazy."


I think I woke up out of anti-climactic disappointment.

Damn Hollywood Fatcats

Another perusal of Wikipedia today left me with this stunning fact: the 1987 summer hit Ernest Goes to Camp generated over $23 million in box office receipts.

And it only cost $3 million to make!

Granted, the Ernest series was a cultural Rolls-Royce, out-classing everything in its path. But Hollywood's always bitching about not making enough profits, so why don't they get their thinking caps on and start making quality pulp for our screens at the appropriate price?

a golden goose cut short in his prime

To wit: The Country Bears (2002) cost over $30 million to make but only generated $16 million at the box office. This begs the obvious question: how did enough people see this movie to generate $16 million in box office receipts?? Putting this flight of fancy aside, though, why did Hollywood OK this for production? And $30 million worth of production, at that.

Ernest - he's a simple man with simple dreams who is simply hilarious. Everyone can get behind that. The Country Bears? The shittiest waste of time at Disney World. I'd rather chug a bottle of ipecac and catch a seat on the Mad Hatter's Teacup Twirl.

Warner Bros. fiscal outlook for 2009

Obviously, throwing a few million bucks at a project is no big deal for Hollywood. Why not make six $5-million movies instead of one for $30 million? I bet at least a couple out of those are gonna be decent, or at least better than a bad theme park ride.

Don't wanna release one of 'em? Make it a Hollywood-only release party and laugh at your ridiculous excess! There is seriously no way this method will lose more money than the current format.

Non-Workers of the World, Unite!

It's only makes sense that if a group of people is disadvantaged, they should unite. Workers' unions are the classic example - if they want higher wages, they get to bitch collectively instead of standing alone outside the factory, getting the-one-weird-guy-in-the-company label and an interview with Michael Moore.

This got me thinking in regards to a systemic issue in all societies. Homelessness seems like the ultimate loner job for unemployed/crazy people, but it doesn't have to be that way. If only they worked together...think of the things they could accomplish!

They could seriously up their financial intake with a little organization. On the days when Hasidic kids are out in droves, pestering non-believers, they put homeless folks to shame. How can a bunch of young proselytizers out-harass the original street harassers?? I can brush off a guy in the subway and all I lose is a modest amount of faith in humanity. Those Hasidic kids? I care even less about them, yet they consistently get my attention due to pure perserverence. They might've pressured me into a Purim or two before.

why settle for a beer - demand two!

If homeless folks organized, walking around city streets could essentially require a tax. My black heart paying off street folk has nothing to do with kindness - it's mostly a matter of annoyance. I can ignore one beggar, but what if he sent two, maybe three more waves of hustlers? Checkmate.

More importantly, they could share information so as to corner the most fabulously wealthy. If they pooled resources, I bet they could convince a Chinatown bus driver to take them to the Hamptons some Summer day. By simply setting foot on Long Island soil, they could take the town hostage. Rich people have no concept of actual money - they'd probably be happy to buy the homeless marauders a mansion, just as long as it's in White Plains or something.

Before you know it, they'd have entire cities in their persistent grip. Bloomberg would be overjoyed to dole out decent housing and stable jobs to homeless brigades, just as long as they halted their campaigns.

future estate of Homeless D. Jenkins

Come on, homeless. You're our country's most under-utilized resource - use your powers for self-benefit, as every other American does.

A Presidential Appeal: Mess With Texas

Mr. President, I have one final request for your first days in office. People are starting to question where we're getting cash to pay for all this stimulus stuff. A couple trillion dollars has to come from somewhere and that somewhere is not Bernard Madoff's bank account.

I have your solution: sell Texas.

Dallas? A city notable for the most abhorrent, gaudy show from the '80s (tv's worst decade) and the only football team presumptuous enough name itself "America's Team". Check out this blurb from Wikipedia: "Famous products of the Dallas culinary scene include the frozen margarita and the chain restaurants Chili's and Romano's Macaroni Grill." Upper/Middle-class sorority girls and soccer moms everywhere are forever indebted, I'm sure. These are, incidentally, my favorite socio-economic groups.

What about the desert wastelands? Can't say I'll miss them very much. Just watch No Country for Old Men again and tell me that's an irreplaceable part of our landscape. We have enough desert out in Arizona, thank you, and they have the Grand Canyon to boot.

a national treasure

Not all of it can go, I guess. Keep Houston and Austin, they seem alright. San Antonio can stick around, too, because chili is a delicious thing and it would be a national disaster if we lost the setting from the best parts of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The border with Mexico is enough of a mess as it is. I'd rather not have to put up with another couple thousand miles of it in a geographical area that's about as easy to patrol as southern Afghanistan. Sell that shit.

It's not all bad - there's oil out there. And rattlesnakes. That's gotta be valuable to somebody, maybe the Russians. They seem just wacky enough to buy Texas. Russia's kinda like the Texas of Europe, anyways: a little off-kilter, rich with oil money, and producer of the continent's biggest douchebag.

I think he'd like Texas just fine

I'm sure we could bag enough money from the sale to support most of the crummy mortgages and loans our country's saddled with. In case you needed some extra incentive, Mr. Obama, let me remind you that Texas did not give you a single electoral vote. You think if President Cheney had been given the chance to sell the disgustingly liberal State of New York there would've been any hesitation?

This is for the good of our country here. Let Texans revel in their new nationhood! Let Americans not worry about another disastrous president from Texas! Obama, the choice is obvious.

A Presidential Appeal: Securing Our Freedoms

Mr. President, your successful campaign was wrought about largely with the power of the internet. I often make the claim that there's little the internet can't do and I'm mistaken - there's nothing the internet can't do.

But if there's one thing that could stop humanity from benefiting the most from this genius invention, it's ourselves.

At my office, there's always been some websites that have been blocked, mostly obvious choices. However, a few months back, some e-idiot decided that we needed a new, "better" site-blocking service. This is probably the same person that opened up an email from a Nigerian prince, infecting a couple dozen computers on our system.

My internet freedom, once akin to life in a Western democracy, has now been reduced to something closer to an Eastern Bloc country circa 1976. gChat? Blocked. Blogs? Blocked. Lolcats? Blocked. The Saudi State Oil Company's Careers Section? Blocked.

you and me both, buddy

Someone asked me what I do all day now. Suffer, mostly. I'd look to move on to a brighter future, but any websites that could help me with that are, shockingly, blocked. It's like I'm stuck in a loop in the time-space continuum, except my loop is somewhere around 1998. The New York Times website and hamsterdance.com (seriously) are okay, but I'm barred from anything actually relevant - offense intended, Maureen Dowd.

If anyone can rectify the situation, it's you, Mr. Obama. Why let Al Gore's magnificent creation go hindered? If you built a giant robot with 10 arms, would you want to block half the arms from doing their intended robot work? Let me state for the record that none of these arms are porn-related.

now wouldn't that just be ironic

Isn't capitalism the basis for our society? Let a free market internet determine how I spend my days! I shouldn't be stuck with a planned-economy version, doomed to a perpetual shortage of necessities like vodka or Comics Curmudgeon.

A Presidential Appeal: American Productivity

Mr. President, it's been recently said that American workers are the most productive in the world. That's great and all, but it's hard to say that that's gotten us very far.

It's high time you rally the American people to a cause that everyone can get behind: office naps.

I'm not asking for the lengthy siesta as it exists in the Spanish-speaking world. Everyone knows the bad rap Mexico's gotten for the simple crime of wanting some shady tree and a wide-brimmed hat with which to catch a few Z's.

poor advice, circa 2009

All I want is for you to officially sanction naptime in the office; if I nap now, I'm guaranteed persecution. I don't want to be judged. Or fired. I just want 20 minutes to lay out under my desk, wrapped in the warmth and glow of my IBM ThinkCentre. That can't be too much to ask.

With your official stamp of approval on this, productivity could rise. Your legacy in history could be better secured, too, and there's nothing more important than an awesome legacy (see: Steve Irwin). Nobody's gonna remember that you're black, but a government-approved nap? That's what I voted for.

A Presidential Appeal: Our Country's Water

In honor of Presidents Day, I'm going to make short appeals to our current leader all this week. I'm sure he'll be reading, so it's important I let him know what's up.

I have more confidence in Hulk Hogan's fencing skills than I do in the current economic stimulus act. Tim Geithner's ability to actually decrease confidence in an already-floundering financial system makes me think that I could probably improve upon the situation.

State governors have gone on about "shovel-ready" projects. Well, I have one for you, Mr. President. In fact, it doesn't even need a shovel, just a tool kit and some common sense.

Barack Obama - fix the hot water in the office bathrooms.

It's been two and a half weeks since we had running hot water in there. Every time I go to wash my hands, I get a subtle reminder that it's both quicker and easier than I thought to lose all feeling in part of your body. Luke's right hand had it easier in The Empire Strikes Back.

my bailout motto: spats and moustache wax before hot water!

How about some of that stimulus for revamping hot water tanks? Let's take some of that fancy banker-money and stick in places where people can really use it. I even just set you up for a sophomoric one-liner that I'm sure the White House staff will simply adore! Maybe a reporter will capture the moment and win you back some apathetic, snarky voters who quit paying attention to your movement because a new season of Gossip Girl just started.

Politics is all about give-and-take. You give me hot water, I take you seriously.

Who is this "Lincoln"?

Great news for the State of New York: as nearly every other state in the Union celebrated some aspect of Abraham Lincoln's 200th birthday yesterday, New York could've cared less. I actually think having a glass case in an out-of-the-way nook of the Capitol is worse than doing nothing at all.

Evidently bicentennial celebrations were planned for, starting in 2005, but political bickering and apathy has ruled the day. A leading scholar for the effort puts it best: "It just kind of fizzled out." The State Archives magazine is doing an article on the 16th president, but that's like having the Rockland County Imaginarium do a retrospective of Rembrandt when the Met couldn't get their act together.

In honor of this classic moment in New York State history, and to supplement their impotent efforts, I've assembled important musings on Lincoln and his legacy. Every non-government news outlet had about 87 stories concerning Lincoln yesterday, so I'll brush you up on the critical stuff that they missed:


- Abe, why the stovepipe hat? Probably the first thing any kid learns about you is how freakishly tall you were for the era. Perhaps the solution does not entail extending your height by another comical 18 inches. You're the President of the United States, not Ichabod Crane. You could've at least worn more horizontal patterns to compensate.

just rubbing it in

- Barack Obama is, in fact, not Abraham Lincoln.

- Lincoln made Thanksgiving a national holiday while in the middle of the Civil War, proving that Americans loved over-eating long before World's Biggest Loser.

- He loved to wear black but was not actually black.



- This is his signature?? What, did he get little Tad to practice his cursive by signing Abe's name on all official documents? No wonder the South seceded.

- Lincoln's mother's maiden name was Hanks. The star of Joe vs. the Volcano was, in fact, Abraham Lincoln.

- His VP from 1861-1865 was Hannibal Hamlin, owner of the most awesome name until Wolf Blitzer. The successor was Andrew Johnson, who was, unsurprisingly, impeached.

I'm waiting on Wikipedia to approve my updates for now. I hope they don't block my computer.

Your Vote Counts

Celebrities are so wacky. What I love about them is their ability to get away with anything - like murder, drug use, or being Mel Gibson. Out of all the things they do, though, the one I woulda guessed they couldn't get away with would be running for public office.

Of course, this is the one case where I'm horribly wrong. Reagan, Fred Thompson, Schwarzenegger, Al Franken (is this still funny?), and now Val Kilmer. Give yourself a pat on the back, American voters. Your judgement has, yet again, proved impeccable.

This begs the question - why don't more celebrities run for public office? Any past foibles that could bring down most political campaigns are futile against a celebrity. Tabloids ensure that we're well aware of the nutty/criminal things they've done, so it's a moot point. What elected celebrity hasn't been a substance abuser at some point?

repeat offender? pfft. still worthy of your precious vote.

But I don't think it's necessary for celebs to gun for a high spot in the Senate or the governor's mansion. Why leave it to chance? Someone with name recognition like that can easily snag any other post in the United States government. Val might have trouble becoming governor...but what if he ran for County Comptroller? I'm more sure he could win that post than I am that Bruce Springsteen was drunk at the Super Bowl halftime show. Besides, he'd probably do a better job of auditing than anyone in office right now.

And hey, we could finally give the B-listers the respect they crave. I bet Dom DeLuise could use an ego boost these days. How about the state Supreme Court? Your beguiling charm and hilarious body size is a shoo-in for a win at the polls. No smart-ass "career lawyer" would stand a chance!

odor in the court!

And Jimmy Smits - what the hell happened to him? If he's out there, intently reading this blog like he should, may he leave with this golden nugget: RUN FOR COUNTY SHERIFF. Nothing is a more definite given than him winning that race; who wouldn't vote for him?? Other than Dennis Franz, out of jealousy. Also, this would make a great reality show.

Haute Coulter

Ann Coulter...divider of peoples, stirrer of animosities, conservative lion par excellence.

But there's definitely one thing we can all agree on when it comes to her - lose the haircut, sweetheart! It just ain't getting it done and you know it.

heartlessly ignorant? only to those split ends!

I've never been a big fan of hers but I think she could go a long ways towards repairing my opinion if she took her 'do to the next level. Come on, Ann, I'm not asking for much. This is a new era! Hell, I'll even loan you my slogan for your hypothetical salon - "Change is in the Hair!" (puns are always disarming).

In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say that you should go for a bob. It's sassy, fashionable, and looks great on TV...just like a certain conservative commentator I know! Lightning rod for liberal harpies in the media? Not anymore. Eat your heart out Ariana Huffington, 'cause Coulter is back in the ring.

the bob haircut looks great on this thetan

Ann, you know better than anyone else that image counts for everything in this fast, media-driven world we live in. Grab it by the shears and make the cuts! You can thank and pay me later.

Bad Day on the High Seas

It's stormy sailin' here on the decks of the SS Desk Job, so no updates today.

The Dead Zone

Every day at work I meet the same events - arrive, get tea, check email, receive/do work, stare at desk, eat. The routine can be somewhat comforting and I'm kept relatively busy after I get to the office. There's usually a little flurry of activity after lunch, too, providing a jolt of reality from midday's brief reprieve.

But it's after this that the worst comes...the dead zone.

I can be plowing through a Herculean amount of work all day, but as soon as the clock hits 3pm, I hit zombie mode - zombie in the classic sense, not the speed-walkers in 28 Days Later. If my day is "Hey Jude", then 3-5pm is the part where they keep singing "naaaa, na na, nana na naaa..." for about 20 minutes. I think that song actually ends on a fade-out, which would complete a nice metaphor.

Me, 11:48am

I'm assuming most other people I work with suffer from the same, crippling malaise. I know Mrs. Wrasslin' agrees. I rarely get much correspondence from anyone past this point and if I do, it has a "we should probably work on this tomorrow" air to it.

But it's a prison more than anything else. Papillon's got nothing on this; Steve McQueen could try his damnedest to float away from Devil's Island, but I'm stuck behind the cruel bars of employment - and I don't even have an ornery Dustin Hoffman to keep me company.

Me, 3:23pm

That's what they should do with our jails - pay the incarcerated to work in an office-jail hybrid, performing menial tasks all day. Try as they might to leave an over-crowded cell block/cubicle, packed to the gills with extras from Oz, they can't resist the pull of that sweet, sweet paycheck. Worse yet, let's give them all desks with slightly uncomfortable chairs. After the clock hits 3, they might as well have life sentences.

Yum Yum Gimme Some

When I got to work today, I assumed that the high point would be the knowledge that the weekend is achingly close. I found myself pleasantly surprised when an early office email revealed that there were free bagels and cream cheese in the kitchen.

There is little so glorious as free office food. Maybe it's just a holdover from my college days, when free food could entice me to any event, regardless of its content. Lecture tonight on bivalve evolution in the lower Mediterranean...accompanied by free hummus dip??? Dinner is served!

Quality of food is irrelevant. One catering company that frequents our office always treats us to a horrendous pasta salad, no doubt left untouched by the brahmans who get first dibs. Hell, I don't even like pasta salad, but it carries with it the taste of illicit freedom. You think Kunta Kinte woulda cared about the selection if he was given catered leftovers?

I actually got nagged at a couple months ago after preying upon a catered event for visiting execs. They looked finished with the meal, so I brought my special tupperware bowl to the steamtrays, scavenging for next day's lunch. Though I'd call my actions appropriate in this economic climate, some VP of an unnecessary department scolded my pre-emptive strike. Tut tut, exec lady...fortune favors the brave!

There's something primal about office-food foraging, mainly the desire to slink back to one's desk and devour your find in private. It's a fiercely competitive world of finder's keeper's and I'll be damned if Judy in finance hears about the chicken marsala before I do.

Besides, sitting at a computer for 8 hours a day has drained what little humanity I have left. Reintegration with the feral population doesn't sound so bad as long as it includes steamed vegetables and a couple sesame rolls.

At Least N'Sync Was Authentically Gay

huh?

I don't know a damn thing about the Jonas Brothers. There shouldn't be much reason for me to know anything about them, but this being the age of hypermedia, I felt socially responsible for learning who they were.

I've discovered that they are far worse than I imagined. A preening group of entitled boys who owe their entire success to the Disney Channel? Surely, my urge to vomit can't stop here.

The "eldest" of the bunch, born after the first Gulf War, got his big break when a producer heard him SINGING IN A BARBERSHOP. What, was McGillicuddy's Soda Shop closed that day?

He went on to sing in several musicals, including the inevitable and distressing cameo as Tiny Tim in a production of A Christmas Carol.

Renee Zellweger called - she wants her squinty, soulless glare back

I guess I'm behind the times on this one, but their biggest claim to fame, aside from the shitty tunes/tv/movies/tours/awards shows/White House appearances (1 - I'll let you guess the president)/interviews, is their vow to chastity. Here's a shocker - would you believe me if I told you they were evangelically homeschooled?

They wear purity rings on their left hands as a sure-fire way to guarantee that their wicks are kept clean until marriage. Evidently the brothers "reportedly started wearing the rings when their parents, Denise and Kevin Sr., asked them if they wanted to." I think they mean, "after their parents discovered they had no penises."

another wholesome group with a happy ending

The good news is that honest working-folk are calling them out on it. Russell Brand, you've earned a pat on the back: "Well done the Jonas Brothers. Each wear a ring to say they are not going to have sex; I'd take them more seriously if they wore it around their genitals."

Keep up the fight.

Wikinsanity!

Only on the internet can the most boring of subjects intently hold my interest.

Enter Wikipedia and its entry on the Times New Roman font.

It's pretty interesting and filled with juicy, obtuse trivia blurbs - the Times of London commissioned the font, thus its name! CRAZY!!!

But more than this, it just goes to prove that the internet is the most awesome thing that has happened on our planet in the post-dinosaur era.

Is there anything lame that it can't make interesting?? The internet's powers are mindblowing. It's like the internet is Patrick Swayze and I'm just a smitten Jennifer Grey, happy to go along with any tune, no matter how cheesy. And Jerry Orbach's eyes look on, disapprovingly...though that might turn out to be creepily true to real life.

Mysterious Dustings

Though I'm usually engaged at a non-stop pace at my job, I often take the time to stare blankly into my desk. I probably adjust half of the items on my desk daily, moving them by an inch or so, making sure they'll look funny to me tomorrow and ensuring that I'll be prompted to adjust them again.

Anyways, the longer I've worked at my job and stared at my desk, the more I've noticed that there is a constant melange of small, fuzzy specks on my workspace. Who knows where they come from, but, more worrying, no matter how many times I wipe my desk, these fuzzies keep reappearing.

It's probably a harbinger of the coming apocalypse or some major event that will make perfect sense once it's all over and done with. Only then will someone tell me that the top warning sign of planet-sized asteroids heading for Earth is the unstoppable accumulation of dust and fibers on my desk. If only I'd known.

Too Late?

What if it's a lifestyle issue? Is this some air pollution/obscure dandruff problem? Maybe I'm naturally polarized, attracting negatively charged cloth particles from around the room. I think Mr. Wizard talked about that once.

My Ears Are Filled With Rage

Finding good music is something I enjoy. Of course, my tastes are different from others and I accept that - up to a certain point.

I was going to work this morning on the train and someone was listening to their mp3 player at a ridiculously high level. I'd like to state for the record that this is not the time to impress your peers on the subway with the volume of your headphones - this is commuting time, I want it to happen quickly and without incident.

Anyways, as invariably happens with people blasting tunes on their headphones, this woman was listening to a BAD SONG. You know the one. Some heavy, alt-metal embarassment to humanity, accompanied by that female vocalist who delicately fawns, "wake me up inside, blah blah..."

What's worse is that this VERY SAME THING HAPPENED LAST WEEK DURING MY COMMUTE. Same song. Same unfortunate decibel level. But not the same person!!

Me, at approximately 8:34 AM today

This means more than one person is listening to that shitshow. And it was a hit, when? Like 3 or 4 years ago?

That it was ever popular is insulting enough. But for people to continue a whole-hearted embrace of the tune makes me want to vomit. Specifically, on them.

I thought Obama was going to change all this. What a horrible president.