Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Presidential Appeal: Securing Our Freedoms

Mr. President, your successful campaign was wrought about largely with the power of the internet. I often make the claim that there's little the internet can't do and I'm mistaken - there's nothing the internet can't do.

But if there's one thing that could stop humanity from benefiting the most from this genius invention, it's ourselves.

At my office, there's always been some websites that have been blocked, mostly obvious choices. However, a few months back, some e-idiot decided that we needed a new, "better" site-blocking service. This is probably the same person that opened up an email from a Nigerian prince, infecting a couple dozen computers on our system.

My internet freedom, once akin to life in a Western democracy, has now been reduced to something closer to an Eastern Bloc country circa 1976. gChat? Blocked. Blogs? Blocked. Lolcats? Blocked. The Saudi State Oil Company's Careers Section? Blocked.

you and me both, buddy


Someone asked me what I do all day now. Suffer, mostly. I'd look to move on to a brighter future, but any websites that could help me with that are, shockingly, blocked. It's like I'm stuck in a loop in the time-space continuum, except my loop is somewhere around 1998. The New York Times website and hamsterdance.com (seriously) are okay, but I'm barred from anything actually relevant - offense intended, Maureen Dowd.

If anyone can rectify the situation, it's you, Mr. Obama. Why let Al Gore's magnificent creation go hindered? If you built a giant robot with 10 arms, would you want to block half the arms from doing their intended robot work? Let me state for the record that none of these arms are porn-related.

now wouldn't that just be ironic


Isn't capitalism the basis for our society? Let a free market internet determine how I spend my days! I shouldn't be stuck with a planned-economy version, doomed to a perpetual shortage of necessities like vodka or Comics Curmudgeon.

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