Evidently bicentennial celebrations were planned for, starting in 2005, but political bickering and apathy has ruled the day. A leading scholar for the effort puts it best: "It just kind of fizzled out." The State Archives magazine is doing an article on the 16th president, but that's like having the Rockland County Imaginarium do a retrospective of Rembrandt when the Met couldn't get their act together.
In honor of this classic moment in New York State history, and to supplement their impotent efforts, I've assembled important musings on Lincoln and his legacy. Every non-government news outlet had about 87 stories concerning Lincoln yesterday, so I'll brush you up on the critical stuff that they missed:
- Abe, why the stovepipe hat? Probably the first thing any kid learns about you is how freakishly tall you were for the era. Perhaps the solution does not entail extending your height by another comical 18 inches. You're the President of the United States, not Ichabod Crane. You could've at least worn more horizontal patterns to compensate.
just rubbing it in
- Barack Obama is, in fact, not Abraham Lincoln.
- Lincoln made Thanksgiving a national holiday while in the middle of the Civil War, proving that Americans loved over-eating long before World's Biggest Loser.
- He loved to wear black but was not actually black.
- This is his signature?? What, did he get little Tad to practice his cursive by signing Abe's name on all official documents? No wonder the South seceded.
- Lincoln's mother's maiden name was Hanks. The star of Joe vs. the Volcano was, in fact, Abraham Lincoln.
- His VP from 1861-1865 was Hannibal Hamlin, owner of the most awesome name until Wolf Blitzer. The successor was Andrew Johnson, who was, unsurprisingly, impeached.
I'm waiting on Wikipedia to approve my updates for now. I hope they don't block my computer.
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