A Presidential Appeal: Mess With Texas

Mr. President, I have one final request for your first days in office. People are starting to question where we're getting cash to pay for all this stimulus stuff. A couple trillion dollars has to come from somewhere and that somewhere is not Bernard Madoff's bank account.

I have your solution: sell Texas.

Dallas? A city notable for the most abhorrent, gaudy show from the '80s (tv's worst decade) and the only football team presumptuous enough name itself "America's Team". Check out this blurb from Wikipedia: "Famous products of the Dallas culinary scene include the frozen margarita and the chain restaurants Chili's and Romano's Macaroni Grill." Upper/Middle-class sorority girls and soccer moms everywhere are forever indebted, I'm sure. These are, incidentally, my favorite socio-economic groups.

What about the desert wastelands? Can't say I'll miss them very much. Just watch No Country for Old Men again and tell me that's an irreplaceable part of our landscape. We have enough desert out in Arizona, thank you, and they have the Grand Canyon to boot.

a national treasure

Not all of it can go, I guess. Keep Houston and Austin, they seem alright. San Antonio can stick around, too, because chili is a delicious thing and it would be a national disaster if we lost the setting from the best parts of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The border with Mexico is enough of a mess as it is. I'd rather not have to put up with another couple thousand miles of it in a geographical area that's about as easy to patrol as southern Afghanistan. Sell that shit.

It's not all bad - there's oil out there. And rattlesnakes. That's gotta be valuable to somebody, maybe the Russians. They seem just wacky enough to buy Texas. Russia's kinda like the Texas of Europe, anyways: a little off-kilter, rich with oil money, and producer of the continent's biggest douchebag.

I think he'd like Texas just fine

I'm sure we could bag enough money from the sale to support most of the crummy mortgages and loans our country's saddled with. In case you needed some extra incentive, Mr. Obama, let me remind you that Texas did not give you a single electoral vote. You think if President Cheney had been given the chance to sell the disgustingly liberal State of New York there would've been any hesitation?

This is for the good of our country here. Let Texans revel in their new nationhood! Let Americans not worry about another disastrous president from Texas! Obama, the choice is obvious.