Monday, March 9, 2009

White and Tight on the High Seas

The belligerent powers of the world must sense that the U.S. Navy is our military's weak spot. To be fair, it's the place to go for people who think serving in the Army is cool, but don't wanna die.

Iran pulled some speedboat stunt a couple years ago in the Persian Gulf and those hilarious pirates off of Somalia just don't give a damn. Now, here comes China.

Before you briefly scan the article and close the window, consider that you might miss the greatest non-explained news event in journalism history:

"A Chinese intelligence ship and four others surrounded the USNS Impeccable, an unarmed vessel with a civilian merchant marine crew, as the craft conducted ocean surveys in international waters in the South China Sea, the Defense Department said in a statement.

The Impeccable sprayed one ship with water from fire hoses to force it away. Despite the force of the water, Chinese crew members stripped to their underwear and continued closing within 25 feet, the Defense Department said.

'We expect Chinese ships to act responsibly and refrain from provocative activities that could lead to miscalculation or a collision at sea, endangering vessels and the lives of U.S. and Chinese mariners,' [a DoD spokesman] said."


I have re-read the article several times to be sure of its existence in reality. This has actually been printed in a newspaper.

WHAT THE EFF?? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?? Is this what a high seas panty raid looks like? Maybe this is de rigeur for them, under the Chinese Navy's standard-issue "Doin' Weird Shit at Sea" manual.


I wish this sailor would get wet and strip - right???


I love the wording, too. "Despite the force of the water," the Chinese went ahead and stripped, as if nothing could hold back those plucky sailors from their fated mission. Had they just finished a ship-wide double feature of The 300 and Striptease or something?

The article leads me to believe that the Chinese sailors got wet (ha ha), so they took off their clothes. But then their undies got soaked (ha ha), so...why bother in the first place? This piece wants you to think that America's been threatened at sea, but come on. Maintaining an "aggressive posture" while shivering in your now-see-thru BVDs is an oximoron. This probably did more for morale on the USNS Impeccable than any Bob Hope USO tour ever could.

And why would the author even include the undie-incident? Isn't it enough that you told us the Chinese ships were harassing an unarmed research vessel? I thought that was the point of the article, to highlight a matter of geopolitical importance, but now I'm far too distracted. This is just weird journalism.

I wish whoever wrote this had gotten to the heart of the matter: A gang of aggressive sailors gets hosed down and strips - is this not the gayest story of the year??

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