What annoys me is that the two have not, as of yet, reached their natural integration. Local breweries stick with idiotic names like "Brownstone Lager" or "Brooklyn Porter". What? Where's this beer from again? I could never possibly guess since this bottle of beer has such a creative and enigmatic name on its label!
Maybe you should make an obscure reference to your origins, too. You and brewer Jimmy may like it, but I will harshly judge both your bloated sense of self-importance and the bloating you have caused me. I guarantee your narrow-minded, optimistic name to be misplaced - you need a message with oomph and cynicism.
"Hm...a pale lager with hoppy flavors...let's call it 'Hoppy Pale Lager'!"
Look at wine. The snarky, dead-on-the-inside crowd of oenophiles have a myriad of brands to choose from ("Oops", "Cheap Bottle of Red", e.g.) that are both affordable and self-aware - an urban misanthrope's dream. Everyone knows you buy wine based on the label, so why do popular craft beers insist on ignoring the facts? Boring doesn't sell, unless it's fundamentalist religion.
I bought a bottle of Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale once simply because of the tongue-in-cheek label. You'd think the crushing ennui of modern city life would've produced more such brands. To get brewers off on the right foot, here are some suggestions sure to cook up sales:
FIRST MONTHS OF PRESIDENCY CREAM ALE
After months of heavy anticipation, we've released this ale to the public. People mostly like it so far, though it's not quite as good as they'd hoped. Reviewers note that much of its appeal lies in the fact that it's not our "Horrifying Stewardship of Our Country Bitter Ale", though a few connoisseurs insist it'll prove better as time goes on.
SHARIA LAGER
I bought a bottle of Monty Python's Holy Grail Ale once simply because of the tongue-in-cheek label. You'd think the crushing ennui of modern city life would've produced more such brands. To get brewers off on the right foot, here are some suggestions sure to cook up sales:
FIRST MONTHS OF PRESIDENCY CREAM ALE
After months of heavy anticipation, we've released this ale to the public. People mostly like it so far, though it's not quite as good as they'd hoped. Reviewers note that much of its appeal lies in the fact that it's not our "Horrifying Stewardship of Our Country Bitter Ale", though a few connoisseurs insist it'll prove better as time goes on.
SHARIA LAGER
Our most popular export, despite its ability to actually suck all joy out of your body. Brewed with the fingernails of adulterers and blasphemes.
clever, inclusive, to the point...there is hope yet
POST-RACIAL STOUT
Really? You think it looks dark? Huh. I didn't even notice. Honest.
TYLER PERRY PRESENTS MADEA MAKES MALT LIQUOR
Duh.
OLD FARTS IPA
For the same reason that kids eat the dirt-flavored Harry Potter jelly beans first. How will you really know if it tastes like it sounds unless you buy it? It's a challenge more than a beer and a sure seller among the fraternity crowd.
Wake up, brewers of America. Take a look at what could be your best products - they practically sell themselves.
what about he-brew ("the chosen beer")???
ReplyDeletebrooklyn's finest